


Kumo no Ito (Spider's web)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst, Brothers, Chaptered, Character Death, Cheating, Child Abuse, Falling In Love, Father-Son Relationship, Gun Violence, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Murder, On the Run, Rape/Non-con Elements, Religious Fanaticism, Revenge, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 18:05:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15124973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He pulled the trigger, closing his eyes to avoid the blood.And then he laughed.He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.When he and Kota got out, they brought along only the stench of blood, death and fear.No survivors.





	1. Beautiful Mind

**_01 – Beautiful Mind_ **

****

_“Is the sadness in those eyes a reflection of my sins?”_

_[Ai, Texas – Yamashita Tomohisa]_

He walked slowly, step after step, almost following Kota’s shadow.

Kei had never been to prone to stay behind, but this was one of the rare occasions where sending Kota forward was fine by him. In part, at least.

When he heard the first shot, he smiled.

When he saw the cashier from the shop at the gas station bleeding from her arm, he smiled.

And the woman screamed, as all the other clients of the small shop did, and Kei thought he couldn’t feel better than he did now.

“Bad aim?” he asked Kota, pointing at the wound on the woman’s arms, arching an eyebrow.

The elder lowered his eyes, shaking his head.

“I thought you liked to play with food before eating it.” he replied, smiling.

And Kei smiled with him, looking straight into his eyes and ignoring everyone else there, while the elder brought a hand behind his back and pulled him close, kissing him almost violently.

Because that was the point.

Because violence united them, violence was what Kei was looking for, the violence they had had to bear and that they tried to pour on each other and on whomever crossed their path.

They pulled away after a few seconds, well aware that they couldn’t afford distractions.

Kota turned to shoot at two of the clients, two girls who mustn’t have been much younger than them.

He didn’t hesitate for a moment, and it turned Kei on to look at him, to see the coldness in his eyes and his gesture.

But he didn’t linger too much on that kind of thoughts, knowing how doing that would've made him lose focus.

He took a couple of steps toward the cashier, still laying on the ground, whining while her arm bled abundantly.

He knelt in front of her, smiling, brushing the gun grip over her forehead.

He read the horror in her eyes and he felt damn important, he felt good in front of those eyes.

Kota was right, he liked to play with food; but there was no time, and he had to rush it.

He pulled the trigger, closing his eyes to avoid the blood.

And then he laughed.

He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

When he and Kota got out, they brought along only the stench of blood, death and fear.

No survivors.

 

~

 

Kota drank from the bottle.

One sip, then two, then three. Enough to get high.

Kei sat on the bed in that vaguely squalid motel, in front of the TV, paying no attention to it.

From time to time his eyes went to Kota, smiling mischievously, as if he was glad about the situation they were in.

And, Kota knew it, he truly was.

He saw the younger stretch his arm to the duffle bag he had with him and take some pills out.

He sighed.

He wished he could’ve told him not to do it, tell him to stop, that it was useless, but he knew that all he would've gotten in exchange were looks of scorn and pity.

What could he possibly tell him, after all?

How could he hope to preach about something and do another thing entirely?

Since he had known him, he had seen him try drug after drug, looking for something to finally shut up the ghosts from his pasts, to finally give his mind a clean slate.

As a result, Kei had become addicted to everything which managed to alter the reality surrounding him, but he still hadn't forgotten what laid behind him.

And Kota was no better, at all.

Just like Kei held on to pills, powders, vials or syringes, Kota held on to the bottle, looking for the same effect and getting the same result.

They both tried to pull the brakes on their brains, never managing to stop the evil they did to them.

Neither could forget, just soothe the pain.

He relinquished the bottle on the coffee table, getting up and walking toward him, slowly.

Kei looked at him with a lewd smile, his usual one, and backed off on the bed to make room for him, slightly opening his legs as an invitation.

And the elder wished he could’ve smiled at his shamelessness, he really wished he could have.

Just like he would've wanted to be happy there with him, because it was where he wanted to be, because he loved him and he was the man with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

But he couldn’t.

He laid between his already naked legs, Kei never wasted any time when he wanted something, and he prepared him too fast, pushing inside his body in one swift movement, harsh, violent.

And Inoo screamed.

He always did, he screamed because it hurt and  he screamed because he liked that pain.

And while Kota tried to find his release he tried to chase away the well-known feeling and he was too a mere drug to Kei.

 

~

 

That morning, Yuya had woken up feeling somehow anxious.

It happened often to him, like a weird feeling in his chest, telling him that something was wrong.

He had gotten up in a rush, determined to move, to keep himself busy, preventing that anxiety to turn into panic.

Now he was sipping on his coffee, absorbed, staring at his phone.

When he was a kid and he woke up with that same feeling, he remembered he used to go to Kota’s room and hide in his bed.

When the elder woke up he tended to scold him and told him to never do that again, but nothing ever changed.

And in the end Yuya knew it didn’t really bother him, or he wouldn’t have let him.

It relaxed him to sleep in Kota’s bed. It relaxed him to hear his brother breathing, and think that as long as he was by his side, no one was going to hurt him.

Yuya had deluded himself into thinking that too well.

When Kota had left home he had felt empty, lacking any salvation, unable to go on.

He called him, often, and even though it was far from being the same, even hearing his voice made him feel slightly better at his worst times.

He picked up the phone, dialled that number he was the only one to know, and told him about his day.

He lied, he made stuff up, so that the elder wouldn’t have felt guilty and would've thought he was happy.

He didn’t know to what point Kota believed his lies, but he kept telling them, and for a while they both felt better.

That morning Yuya wanted to call him.

Growing up their contacts had become more scarce, but he still liked to call him whenever he felt that way, when he recognized the hints of panic and fear, those which only Kota was going to understand, that only him could soothe.

He dialled the number and waited.

_“Yuuyan?”_

Kota’s voice was weird.

But it always was since a few years, the younger didn’t worry about it particularly and, for sure, he wasn’t going to ask any question.

“Hi, Ko.” he said, low, slowly starting to smile and feeling better already at the sound of the familiar voice. “Am I bothering you? Where are you?” he asked then, vaguely, aware that his brother wasn’t going to actually tell him what he was up to.

He never did, and he never insisted.

He just needed to know that he was okay, that he was happy.

That he had managed to leave some of that life behind, but that was harder to believe.

_“No... no, you’re not bothering. I'm in Nagoya, right now. I’ve... I’ve got some business here.”_

“Will you be in Tokyo? It’s been a while since we’ve last seen each other.”

He wasn’t going to, and Yuya knew it.

The last time he had seen his brother had been almost a year ago, and it hadn't been the most satisfactory meeting of all.

They had hugged, they had told each other their nice tales to be at ease and the younger hadn't missed to notice how the other looked tired, miserable, almost to his limit.

But he kept asking, at every single call, always hoping he was going to surprise him for once.

_“I'm sorry, Yuu... I don’t think I can make it.”_

Yuya smiled bitterly and bit his lip.

There were so many things he wanted to tell him.

He wanted to say he missed him and he wanted to see him. He wanted to say it wasn’t true he was fine, that he hadn't been fine since he had left home, over ten years ago, when he had been just a kid.

He wanted to tell him he had been mad at him, he had hated him for having abandoned him, but that he hadn't been able to do that in quite some time now, because growing up he had realized why he had escaped.

And he wanted to tell him he knew he wasn’t okay either, that a few calls and some words thrown there weren’t enough to convince him, but he knew Kota wouldn’t have changed that weird older brother attitude which he kept to try and protect him, even though he never saw him, even though Yuya was now a man.

He wasn’t going to say any of that, ever.

After all, all he needed was to hear his voice and think that it was enough to make him better, to make fear go away, to choke that feeling of anxiety before it turned to horror.

“Next time, then. I’ll call you, I... I love you, Ko.”

_“I love you too, Yuuyan.”_

~

 

Kota was trying to focus on the road.

Normally, he liked to drive on the highway because he didn’t have to pay as much attention as in the city streets, he liked it because it was simple and because seeing the road stretch in front of him made him feel relaxed, as if it gave him room to think.

Right now though, it was hard.

Kei was bored, he could tell that.

He had started asking how far Tokyo was, whining and looking unsettled.

And in the end he had knelt on the seat, looking toward him, with a smile that Kota saw by the corner of his eye.

When he had felt him put a hand on his groin, the car had swayed only a little.

He had gotten back control over it, but he still didn’t want to risk it.

He asked him to stop, he told him it was dangerous and that he could’ve waited for them to arrive to the hotel, but the younger wasn’t listening, which happened often.

He leant over him, undoing his fly enough to free his cock, then he ran his tongue over it, turning him on with the usual speed and accuracy.

And Kota wished he could’ve close his eyes and abandon to those hands and that mouth, and knowing he couldn’t was torture.

But that’s what amused Kei, after all.

It amused him to see him struggle, victim to his actions, hooked and addicted to whatever he chose to give to him.

When he took him down wholly Kota cursed through his teeth, taking a hand off the steering wheel and bringing it through his hair, pushing his hips against him while at the same time he kept his eyes on the road, less vigilant than it was actually necessary.

And he wasn’t fighting it anymore, he didn’t have the strength to, he wasn’t going to oppose to something he liked and he wanted so much.

He bit his lip, focusing on Kei’s tongue around his cock and on that feeling only the younger was capable of giving him.

He wanted to stop at the first rest station, jump him and take him as he was, but he knew Kei wasn’t going to let him because it wasn’t in his plans, and he had always been little inclined to do anything that wasn’t in his plans.

After a few minutes Kota choked down a scream, arching his hips further and coming inside the younger’s mouth, Kei waiting a few moments before pulling away, a satisfied smile on his face.

He fixed his pants and then he cleaned his mouth, mischievous, then he went back to his seat and looked out of the window, triumphantly.

They didn’t say anything, and Kota just kept driving, while he breathed heavily, trying to get back control over himself.

But he never had it, not when Kei was around.

The younger was good at annulling him, at making him feel like a puppet in his hands, making him do whatever he wanted, because he was too much of an expert with his words and with his actions.

And as much as Kota was aware he had fallen in his trap, he had never minded too much the cage he was in.

They had just left the highway, when Kei raised his head, like an animal smelling his prey.

He nodded toward a conbini, and Kota didn’t need to ask for any further confirmation.

He stopped the car in the parking lot, careful that it was a spot from where they could’ve taken off fast.

When he opened the car’s door, he hesitated only for a moment.

That was the phase where he always hesitated; he felt the gun press against his hip, it seemed to weigh more than he could bear, it seemed like it pulled him to the ground, almost as if he was about to fall.

Those were slight moments of panic that always went away, but they still were there.

Because while Kei kept going on as if it was normal, strong of his confidence and a slight delirium of almightiness, he kept asking when they would've reached the end of the journey, when it was going to be over, when they were going to catch them, separate them, most likely kill them.

He should’ve had the courage to stop.

He wished he could’ve taken Kei, bring him to some faraway place and stop leading that life.

Stop with the drugs, the killings, the alcohol and those nights spent trying to forget the past on each other’s body.

Kota wanted a normal life, and knowing he was never going to have that made him feel like he was running in circle, continuously, without a chance to reach his goal.

He stretched a smile toward Inoo, following him inside the shop with the most determined look he managed to put on.

They slowly walked through the shelves, and he lingered to grab something to eat and drink, without even knowing what it was.

He assessed the situation, and he knew Kei was doing the same, that he had already counted how many people were there, that he knew where everybody was and that he had evaluated the risks.

His mind was a machine, and as much as Kota was scared of it sometimes, this aspect of his boyfriend fascinated him.

He took a few steps forward and reached the check-out, and by then everything was tested.

He pulled the gun out, he grimaced hearing the screams slowly spreading throughout the shop.

He shot the boy behind the counter in the head, lacking any will to stall, while the screams grew louder and Kei killed a couple of girls close to the drinks aisle.

The only people left were an old lady, which Kei killed right away, a boy about their age and, right next to Kota, another one who looked slightly younger.

Kota looked him in the eyes and saw those well-known marks of fear, that unnatural paleness and his chest raising and falling too fast.

He aimed the gun to his head, ready to pull the trigger, when Kei called him and rushed toward him.

“Wait, Ko.” he murmured, without looking at him.

His eyes were fixated on the kid, they were analysing him, fascinated, almost as if he was a present for him.

Kota had seen that look on his face before, it was when he intensely desired something, and it normally preceded a request which he was always ready to grant.

He wished the younger could’ve pulled the brakes on his mind, on his wicked imagination, so that he wouldn’t have exposed them to more risk than they were already facing. Every time, his hopes were disappointed.

And nothing good could come from it.

“Kei, someone must’ve heard the shots, police will be here any minute. We have to go.” he hissed, trying to impose, but the other seemed oblivious to his hurry.

He got closer to the boy, moving away the gun aimed at him.

He brushed a hand down his face, while his smile grew wider.

“I like him, Ko.” he told him, turning. “Let’s take him with us.” he added, grabbing the kid’s arm, pulling on him.

The elder opened his eyes wide, panicking.

“What does it mean you like him, Kei? We can't take him with us, it’s too dangerous!” he said, chewing on his lower lip and starting to fear that they had already spent too long there.

“Oh come on... let’s bring him with us for a while, if he’s going to make trouble for us we’ll just kill him then!” he complained again, while the boy looked more and more terrified.

Kota didn’t have time.

He tried to think fast, he tried to evaluate his options.

He didn’t know what Kei saw in that kid, he just knew they needed to hurry.

He looked at his boyfriend, sighing deeply.

And then he nodded, and they dragged the kid along.

Kei looked happy for the whole day.


	2. Nagai Aida (A long time)

**_02 – Nagai Aida (A long time)_ **

****

_“As a kid I didn’t know I could be such a coward.”_

_[Super Delicate – Hey! Say! JUMP]_

Hikaru had always been a creature of habit.

He woke up at the same time, alarm clock completely superfluous, he drank his usual coffee, he got out at seven thirty and got into his car, listening always to the same radio station.

He liked it, all in all.

His brother always made fun of him for this refusal of any form of change, but he had never minded him much.

Ryosuke was different from him, a lot. One day he had a passion for something, the following week it was another and then another one, and he never managed to decide what it was he really wanted to do.

The excuse of young age wasn’t worth much anymore once he had finished school, almost two years ago, and Hikaru kept insisting for him to choose something concrete, to reach some stability.

But Ryosuke kept laughing of his worries, and the elder had often been on the verge of forfeiting.

He sighed, getting inside his car. He turned on the radio and allowed himself a few moments to keep still, his head against the backrest and his eyes closed.

Then he started the car, hoping he wasn’t going to find too much traffic on the road from home to the police station.

And he got lucky enough: given the nice weather, who could had apparently decided to walk, leaving the streets uncrowded enough.

That made him arrive on time, and in a definitely better mood than when he had gotten out of home.

His good mood, anyway, seemed to not be destined to last much longer.

Once he walked inside the station and got to his desk, the first people he saw were Chinen and Arioka, the first one leaning against the desk and the second sitting on the chair in front of it.

And if seeing Yuri wasn’t weird, after all they were on the job, seeing Daiki freaked him out.

It wasn’t often that the boy came to the headquarters, it must’ve happened three or four times tops during the years.

Hikaru got along fine with his brother’s boyfriend, lately at least. He hadn't liked him right away, and when Ryosuke had brought him home to meet him he had expressed a few doubts, given mostly to the inability of the younger to form any lasting bond.

But then their relationship had gone on and Arioka had given proof to love and managing to be loved from Ryosuke, and his doubts had disappeared.

Still, the fact that they were civil didn’t explain his presence there, even less since his boyfriend wasn’t with him.

And then there was the sad look on his face, his eyes watery and reddened, as if he had cried for a long time, which made Hikaru panic a little.

“What’s happened?” he asked, his voice doing nothing to mask the anxiety.

Neither of them bothered answering, but Chinen nodded toward the TV in the corner, grabbing the remote to turn the volume up.

_“This morning, a robbery at a conbini on the...”_

_“Five confirmed victims, still no clues about the perpetrators...”_

_“Apparently, there’s been no survivor.”_

While the journalist kept telling what had gone down, Hikaru turned toward the other two, less and less comfortable.

“What does it mean? Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” he asked again.

He thought that Yuri was about to answer, but Arioka was the one to talk.

“Yaotome-kun... Ryosuke was there this morning, he was inside that conbini.” he said, low. “His body wasn’t among those of the victims.” he added then, his voice trembling.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide, breathless.

He turned again toward the TV, flustered.

_“Witnesses are saying to have seen the suspect, apparently two of them, getting away in the car with a third person still not identified.”_

Hikaru felt his head spinning, and if he had been in himself he would've probably screamed.

Where was his brother?

 

~

 

_“Will you come?”_

_“Kota, please, it’s important...”_

_“No, he’s not coming. He never does, you know him.”_

_“Thank you. I love you.”_

Kota had been thinking for hours about his brother’s last call.

Why had he told him he was going?

He had been receiving the same phone call from Yuya for years, always around that time, asking him to go to the cemetery for the anniversary of their mother’s death, and for years he had been trying to refuse, never managing to do that.

It was in the past, and he hated everything which reminded him of his past. But his brother seemed to care about that tradition, which made them look more like a family, and he had never been good at denying him something when he set his mind onto something.

He sat on the carpet in an anonymous hotel room, a place a little less squalid than usual.

Sitting on a chair not far from him, Kei stared at the boy they had abducted almost two days before with a malicious look on his face, as if he wanted to eat him.

He knew him well enough to know that that look wasn’t only to scare the younger.

Ryosuke, the kid had mumbled his name only after hours of whining and screaming, laid on the bed with his eyes stubbornly closed.

They both knew he wasn’t sleeping, but at the moment they had no interest in making him do otherwise.

“When do you have to leave, Kota?” the younger asked, turning for just a moment to look at him before going back staring at their hostage.

The other sighed, leaning his head back against the wall and staring at the clock.

“I’ve told Yuya I was going to see him at three in front of my mother’s grave. The cemetery is close enough, I’ll be out in ten.” he told him, tiredly, and he couldn’t help noticing the mockery on Kei’s face.

“You’re too sentimental in the family.” he made fun of him, getting up from the chair and walking toward him. “Couldn’t you have told him you weren’t in the city and you wouldn’t have made it in time?”

Kota bit his lip, thoughtful.

He understood why Kei thought it like that.

And, all in all, he couldn’t blame him.

But Inoo had always been alone, he had always been left abandoned to himself, and among all the things where they were the same, there was also something in which they differed.

Kota had Yuya, and even though he never saw him he always thought about him, it had been like that since he had left home and it was always going to be this way. 

He worried about protecting something that didn’t even exist anymore in him, but he couldn’t help it.

Innocence couldn’t last, and like his own had never been there, Yuya’s had disappeared years before, and he couldn’t help blaming himself for that.

He didn’t answer, and Kei didn’t seem to mind.

He stood up, walking to the bathroom to clean up a little, and try to look at least human.

It didn’t matter whether it was true or not, what mattered had always been not letting Yuya worry about him.

 

~

 

Yuya lit up the incense, slowly.

He stared at his mother’s tombstone with an unreadable look, an expression both sad and indifferent.

It was what he had always felt about his life and his family.

When he saw Kota he smiled to him, then he walked toward him and the elder let him hug him, for a while, telling him he had missed him.

And Yuya knew how to recognize his brother’s lies, and he knew this wasn’t one.

Kota stood aside. He watched him light up the incense and pray, and then keeping silent in front of their mother’s grave.

It was the tenth anniversary of her death.

Yuya remembered that day clearly. He remembered he had woken up because Kota was shaking him, he remembered the flustered look on his face and his failed attempt at crying.

Their mother had gone to sleep the night before and she had never woken up again, that’s what they had told him.

As if he was a kid, incapable of understanding how things were, as if he hadn't witnessed the woman’s pain grow day after day.

When he had heard the policemen utter the word ‘suicide’, he hadn't been surprised.

And he had gotten mad. He had gotten mad because Kota had treated him like a child, when he was fifteen already, he had gotten mad because he hadn't trusted him; and then he had gotten mad at his mother for having left them, but that was a pain which had blurred during the years when he had realized that, sooner or later, everybody left him alone.

His innocence had lasted longer than his brother’s, but not enough to make a happy man out of him.

He stood up, turning to look at Kota and biting on his lower lip.

“Do you want...” he left the sentence hanging, and he saw him shake his head.

“No. I came only because you asked, Yuya.”

The younger sighed, nodding.

“Fine, fine. Want... want to get something to drink together?” he suggested then, and he likely looked so hopeful that Kota couldn’t really deny him anything.

Once they sat at a coffee place near the cemetery, Yuya started to feel uncomfortable.

What did he know, after all, about his brother?

And what could he ask him, without having him answering with silence?

“How’s it going, Yuuyan?” the elder spoke first, arching an eyebrow and sipping his coffee as if he didn’t really want to drink it.

“Well enough. I’m working at a company, right now... it’s not so bad.” he said, stretching his smile. “What about you?” he murmured then, almost scared.

Kota sucked in his lips, thoughtful.

“It’s fine. Everything’s fine, you don’t have to worry, Yuu.”

Yuya wanted to reply, somehow. He wanted to ask how he was getting by, if he was still in a relationship with that guy he mentioned from time to time, how he spent his days.

But their relationship had always hung by a thread, and he didn’t want to risk making him nervous and seeing him leave all over again. He wasn’t going to stand it.

As far as he understood the reason behind it, the fact that Kota had left home ten years ago, a few months after their mother’s suicide, still haunted him.

 

_“Kota... Kota, please.”_

_Yuya looked at his brother gather his stuff in a rush, as if he couldn’t wait to get out of there._

_“I'm sorry, Yuuyan. But I have to do this, I... with mom’s death...” he brushed his fingers through his hair, staring at the ceiling and licking his lips. “I have to leave. I can’t be here, I just can't.”_

_“I'm sure that if you talk to dad he’s going to find a solution. You don’t have to leave, onii-chan, dad...”_

_“Dad, dad, dad... stop talking about him as if he was the solution and not the problem!” the elder yelled, getting closer and grabbing his shirt’s collar. “You’re fifteen, Yuya. It’s time to grow up and realize that dad...” he sighed, biting his lip and leaving the sentence like that, without going further._

_“Dad what?”_

_“Nothing. Go back to your room, and if when he comes back from work he asks where I am, tell him you didn’t hear me go out.” he explained in a rush, finishing to pack his stuff and heading to the door. “I'm begging you, Yuya... don’t end up like me.”_

_“What does it mean, onii-chan?”_

Kota had never answered his question, but the following events had done that for him.

Yuya had soon realized what he meant, and he had failed granting him that single wish.

But then again, Kota’s had been a pointless wish.

He had left, hadn't he?

He had left him alone in that house, what was he thinking?

“Are you sure everything’s fine, onii-chan?” he asked, cautious, calling him in a way that seen their current relationship, sounded a little weird.

The elder opened his eyes wide, then he faked another smile.

“I'm fine Yuya, I told you. Don’t worry.”

No, he shouldn’t have.

He shouldn’t have, because back then Kota hadn't worried about him. He hadn't worried about leaving him alone to cry every night about his mother’s death, he hadn't worried about giving a proper answer to all his questions, he hadn't worried about what had happened when their father had realized that his older son had left.

Kota hadn't worried, and Yuya bore on his skin the marks of that neglect.

But it didn’t matter, after all, because as much as he tried to tell himself he should’ve hated him, that he should’ve wished to never see him again, and to make him pay for all that had happened to him after, there was still in him the feeling of that bond keeping them together, somehow survived to time and disappointment.

He was his brother, and he was all he had.

“Okay, onii-chan, I won't. I only care... well, that you’re happy.” he said, smiling.

But Kota wasn’t.

Happiness didn’t run in the family.


	3. Kotoba yori taisetsu na mono (Something more important than words)

**_03 – Kotoba yori taisetsu na mono (Something more important than words)_ **

****

_“What will reflect in eyes looking toward an endless land?”_

_[1582 – Kamenashi Kazuya]_

Ryosuke felt like crying.

He didn’t have a clear perception of time.

He knew it had been a couple of days since they had taken him, but he also knew it weighed on him as if it had been months.

He wanted to talk, to ask why he was there with them, but he didn’t dare asking, afraid of drawing attention on himself.

Kota looked more harmless, but he wasn’t going to trust him for that. He still hadn't blinked when the other had asked to take him.

At the time, Ryosuke had almost been happy to have survived the massacre. He remembered that suffocating feeling of seeing them kill one person after the other, with the constant anxiety of being next, while when Kei – he still hadn't grasped his last name – had grabbed his arms and had dragged him to their car he had almost been happy about having had his life spared.

He hadn't seen it like that for long.

He didn’t understand what exactly was he saw in him, but he was sure he wanted to use him as a hostage, to have something which would've allowed them to escape or bargain.

But police didn’t seem to know anything about them, or so he had understood from the news the elder watched constantly, and so he had started fearing what was going to happen to him.

He didn’t like Kei’s eyes on him.

It almost looked as if he wanted to eat him and was pondering about the best way to do that.

Now that the other was out, Ryosuke’s fear had only grown.

Kei had sat on the bed next to him a few moments before, and he had started looking at him with the usual devilish and slightly crazy smile.

“What could we do to kill time while we wait for Ko to come back?” he asked, without expecting an answer.

Ryosuke shrugged, feeling his breath get faster, feeling him dangerously close. He wanted to scream.

“We could play a little, couldn’t we, Ryo-chan?” he asked then, his smile wider, while the younger couldn’t help a disgusted wince.

Daiki always called him that.

He had been thinking about him since they had kidnapped him, he wondered what he was doing, if he was worried.

And then he laughed at himself, because it was logical that he was.

If they had swapped places, Ryosuke knew his heart might’ve just stopped at the thought that Daiki wasn’t with him, that he had been taken by two killers.

He bit his lower lip, taking a deep breath when Kei’s hand brushed his leg.

He froze, trying not to make a sound and not to make any sudden movement that could somehow bother the elder; and Kei looked amused by his strategy.

“It’s pointless to try and act like you don’t care, Ryo-chan.” he told him, a voice almost childish which Ryosuke found grotesque. “It won’t change my mind. And it won’t bore me either.” he added, letting his hand move up to his groin.

“Please.” he murmured, clear disgust in his voice, which apparently the elder liked.

“Please what? Did you think you had won a free holiday at an onsen?” he mocked him, sarcastic, then he got close enough that his mouth was to his ear. “Be careful. Kota’s less patient than he looks. You can already deem yourself lucky you don’t have a bullet in your brain.” he said then, his voice much more serious and less sugared than before.

Ryosuke felt a shiver down his spine, but he didn’t say anything.

He felt Kei’s hands still on him, felt them run under his shirt and brushing his chest’s skin, a nail ghosting over his nipple.

He clenched his eyes, forcing himself to get distracted, to think about Daiki’s hands, to think about anywhere else but there, trying to avoid feeling torn, broken, as if he was in a parallel dimension and somewhere there was another Ryosuke, safe and sound in the arms of the man he loved.

The other, nonetheless, was good at preventing him from doing just that; he kept talking to him, letting him feel his presence, making it impossible for him to forget he was the one touching him, that he was there with him inside that damn room.

The hand had now slipped down and it brushed his cock over the too thin fabric of his pants; Ryosuke had already prepared himself for the worst, but it was then that he heard the front door’s lock click.

Kei was incredibly fast: he got off the bed and walked to the door, most likely to grin and bear it.

And when he got inside the room, Kota actually didn’t seem to have noticed anything weird going on.

Ryosuke sighed in relief, and hoped that the man wasn’t going to leave them alone again.

Or that they would've freed him, but that option became more and more unrealistic as time went by.

He closed his eyes again, finding comfort in that darkness and letting the voices in the background, without truly listen to them.

He didn’t open them even when the voices became three, he was scared to watch, almost as if he was afraid things would've gotten even worse.

He cried, quietly.

 

~

 

Kei cursed Kota with all his might.

He should’ve at least consider that possibility, he should’ve thought about not coming straight back to the hotel.

He should’ve thought that curiosity might’ve gotten the best of his brother, and instead he hadn't.

The scene in front of him would've almost been comical, had they been under different circumstances.

Yuya stood at the entrance, his eyes fixated on Ryosuke, while Kota tried to stand in front of him, pretending that there was nothing weird going on.

And Kei only stared at them both, looking amused.

“What’s going on here, Kota?” Yuya asked, his voice low, never tearing his eyes off the bed where the kid was still lying, taking a glimpse from time to time to what was happening in the room.

Then he Inoo intervened, a bright smile on his face.

“You must be Yuya. Ko always talks about you.” he told him, distractedly putting a hand on his shoulder, which confused the elder.

He opened his eyes wide, staring at that hand, but then he nodded.

“Yes. Yes, I'm Yuya. And you must be Kei, I presume.” he replied, raising his eyes again on the kid, as to look for clues as to why he was there.

“Exactly. And he’s Ryosuke.” Inoo said before he could ask, just saying his name to avoid any uncomfortable questions for which he didn’t have a not suspicious answer.

And seeing his brother hesitating, most likely wondering if he should’ve investigated any further, Kota intervened.

“Yuya, why did you follow me?” he asked, his voice slightly altered by panic.

The younger sighed, and Kei noticed he was a little more on alert now that he had been scolded.

Kota never talked willingly about his family, except for his brother.

He had told Kei about their relationship when they were little, he had told him about every time they met he always seemed to want to ask him more about the life he lead and how in the end he never did, so Kei imagined Yuya felt uneasy toward who, no matter the years which had separated them, was still his older brother.

Hadn't he known who he was, then, he would've found it hard to believe the two of them were related. Yuya didn’t have Kota’s slender built, he didn’t have his the chiselled features, there was little to nothing in common. And since Kota always said with a certain disgust he looked like his father, Inoo supposed that the younger must’ve taken after their mother.

He liked him, somehow.

He liked that naïve, hesitating look, that remissive attitude.

He smiled wider, while he looked at him trying to answer.

“I'm sorry, Ko. I wanted... you’ve been so vague before. I just wanted to see where you stayed and what... what you were doing. That’s all.” he justified himself, looking miserable.

The elder ran a hand through his hair, sighing.

He was about to say something else, when Kei moved next to him, putting a hand on his arm, forcing him to turn toward him.

“Bring the kid out, Kota.” he told him, with that tone which didn’t admit objections.

The other opened his eyes wide, letting his eyes move a couple of times from his to his brother, questioningly.

“Why? Kei, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Yuya...”

“Do as I said, please. You’ll see, we won’t get in trouble.”

Kota hesitated only for a moment. Then he lowered his eyes on the ground and nodded, getting close to the bed and pushing Ryosuke off of it, nodding toward the door.

To Kei, the kid looked relieved to get out and not have to be with him, but he didn’t mind that much.

He wasn’t his problem, right now.

Once they had left the room, he saw Yuya look lost, and he took it as a good sign. He had always liked, after all, to confuse people.

“What do you want?” the elder asked, defensive, seeing those eyes on him.

Inoo took a step toward him, still smiling.

“You shouldn’t have followed him. You know that, don’t you?” he asked, sugared, arching an eyebrow.

“He’s my brother. I’ve got the right to know what he does and who he does it with, don’t you think so?”

Kei laughed, getting even closer and putting a hand on his shoulder, a gesture very little misunderstandable.

“It’s a shame you know nothing about your brother. That you know nothing about what he does, nothing about the man he’s become.” he pressed his body against Yuya’s, his eyes fixated on his. “It hasn’t been your prerogative in years to know what Kota does. There’s only me, now, next to him.” he went on, the evilest voice he managed to use.

Then he brought his hands around his hips, pulling him close and feeling clearly his breathing getting faster, while he made weak attempts at pulling away.

“But if you want to” Kei went on. “I can give you a little taste of what your beloved brother does.”

He brought a hand to his crotch, firm, laughing when he saw him jerk.

Yuya tried to pull away again, but he still didn’t look convinced. It was like he had reason telling him it was wrong, that it didn’t make any sense, while his body couldn’t deprive itself of that touch.

But Kei didn’t have time to stall, he didn’t know how long Kota was going to give him before coming back.

He held onto the other’s hips, pushing him on the bed and lying down next to him, undoing his pants and pulling them off quickly, before straddling his legs.

He saw Yuya stop breathing and never tearing his eyes off of him while he leant over and brushed the tip of his cock with his cock, lewd and teasing.

He pushed his hips up to meet his mouth and Inoo let him, set to let him take control as long as he didn’t fight it.

He took him wholly into his mouth, his eyes still on his face, and he didn’t miss one of his expression of almost tormented pleasure, noticing how similar he was to his brother in that.

When he felt he was about to come he pulled away and enjoyed his disappointed groan, then he took his clothes off and went back on top of him, wasting no time before grabbing a hold of his cock and pushing it past his rim.

He rolled his head back and moaned out loud, trying not to think about the sharp pain and starting to move straight away.

He liked that look in Yuya’s eyes.

He liked that feeling of almightiness, he liked how the elder seemed unable to resist to something which should’ve never happened, that he had tried but the slightest for of rebellion to his attack.

Kei had always had that effect on men, and he had always used it to his advantage.

That’s how he had gotten rid of his past, that’s how he had always had the world to his feet, and he was never going to deprive himself of the feeling of holding the reins of other people’s lives just because it was wrong.

Many of the things he did were, and that wasn’t a reason to deny them to himself.

He wrapped his hand around his own cock, starting to stroke himself fast, and when he saw him roll his head back into the pillow and let out a choke moan he came, feeling the elder spill inside of him.

He kept still for a moment, then. He looked at the image of that man exhausted by a pleasure he had given him, overwhelmed by that release which, Kei knew that, was nothing like what he had experienced in the past.

Then he got up, walking toward the bathroom as if nothing had happened, washing up quickly before getting dressed again, smiling at the man who, still laying on the bed, stared at him without missing one of his movements.

“You’ve cheated on Kota.” he said, frowning.

“You too.” Kei replied, quick and sharp.

He had cheated on Kota, and it hadn't been the first time.

It had happened during the years, often with men he didn’t even know, sometimes out of boredom, sometimes because he wanted to vent, or because the elder had been too nervous or tired to deal with his cravings.

Whatever the reason, Kei had never missed out on chances, and he didn’t see why he should’ve.

Yuya didn’t reply to his last statement, he just lowered his eyes, blushing.

And Kei smiled one more time. Then he started collecting his stuff around the room, putting them in his bag and Kota’s, before heading to the door.

“Well, it’s been a pleasure to know you, Yuya. I’ll give Kota your regards, don’t worry.” he told him, then he left the room.

He knew the other wasn’t going to follow and that he wasn’t going to leave at least for a while, not wanting to risk meeting his brother in the parking lot.

Inoo, on his part, didn’t want his boyfriend to ask too many questions, not to find them in a situation he didn’t know how to explain.

If Kota liked to believe he was the faithful and perfect boyfriend, if he was happy with that image of him he had built all over the years, then he was going to let him believe just that.

Yuya had clearly suspected something fishy in Ryosuke’s presence, but if he had understood the type he knew he wasn’t going to go to the police, that he wasn’t going to report them, and that he wasn’t even going to ask himself too many questions.

Kei had given him something to lose, because for what Kota had told him, he knew Yuya had only his brother and little else in the world.

He wasn’t going to risk his brother to hate him, for a real or presumed guilt.

Smiling, he leant against the car, waiting for Kota and Ryosuke to come back.

He was satisfied with himself.

Definitely satisfied.

 

~

 

Hikaru was hitting his foot on the ground.

He had been doing that since they had arrived, and Chinen was starting to get nervous, a lot.

“Calm down, Yaotome.” he hissed, ringing the intercom again.

“I'm calm. Why?” the other replied, his foot still hitting the asphalt.

Yuri snorted loudly, leaning down to put a hand on his leg, stopping it.

“Of course. You’re calm.” he said, sarcastic. “Listen, why don’t you go back to the car? The paper’s on the back seat, you can go get a coffee and relax a little while I talk with him. How about that?” he suggested, without hoping that the other was going to take the hint and let him conduct the interview on his own.

“It’s about my brother, Chinen. And at the moment this is the only lead we have.” he replied, trying to keep his cool as much as he could.

“Exactly. It’s about your brother, you can't really be clear-minded at a time like this. Please, just go. I'm sure I can handle this on my own.” he tried to persuade him.

The elder stood on the doorframe for a moment, thoughtful, while at the same time they heard a voice coming from the intercom.

Chinen identified himself, gesturing the other to leave, and that made Hikaru decide.

He got away, muttering him to do his best to gather the information they needed, and Yuri sighed of relief before getting inside.

Once he reached the floor he found a man who couldn’t be much older than him waiting, a nervous look on his face.

He had his hand to his mouth, he was biting at his fingernails harder and harder as Yuri walked the short space between the elevator and his apartment.

“Come in.” Yuya told him, before the detective could open his mouth.

Slightly on edge, Chinen got inside and gave a quick look around, as if by doing so he could’ve gathered clues about the person he was about to talk to.

He mustn’t have been one to spend much time inside, or he mustn’t have liked it too much.

The walls were bare, the furniture lacking any personal taste, there were no pictures nor anything else hinting at a little care from who lived there.

More and more perplexed, he sat on the living room’s couch, while the other sat on the couch’s armrest in front of him.

“Are you here for the call I made, Chinen-san?” he asked slowly, never stopping devouring his nails.

Yuri nodded, confused by the question. Why else should’ve he been there?

“Of course. You’ve said you’ve seen your brother two days ago and that you thought there was something wrong going on. You’ve said you’ve followed him to his hotel and that you’ve found him with a second man and a boy named Ryosuke. Is that correct?” he asked, summarizing what the co-worker who had gotten the call had told him.

Yuya nodded, looking worried.

“Yes, precisely. It’s just that... well, I thought I had been a little overzealous. I didn’t think it was something important.” he explained, as if he wanted to justify the previous question.

Chinen nodded, determined not to tell him why there were asking about his brother just yet.

If his called had been given to a sincere worry more than to help the investigation, it was better not to tell him much and avoid risking him to close up and stop talking.

“So, do you have any idea about your brother’s whereabouts?” he asked, taking out a pad to take notes.

The elder seemed to think about it for a split second, then he shook his head.

“No, I don’t. Since he’s left home he’s been all over Japan, he never stops more than two or three days in the same city. He could be anywhere now.”

Yuri barely restrained himself from swearing, and tried to keep looking indifferent.

“What about his car? Do you know if it’s in his name?” he asked again, not trusting for a second in that particular detail. It was more than likely that the vehicle was stolen.

“My brother drives, but I don’t think the car’s his. Or at least, he never said anything about it. Perhaps it belongs to his boyfriend.” he replied, and his face got a strange expression on it when he mentioned him, but Yuri couldn’t quite read it.

“And what can you tell me about him?”

Yuya sighed, sitting more comfortably on the armchair and leaning his head back.

“Not much. I know his name is Kei, but I don’t know his last name. He and my brother have known each other for ten years now and, as far as I know, they’ve always been together. And his family, if he’s got one, should be from Tokyo, because Kota’s met him before leaving home.” he explained, and while he talked Yuri started to ask himself if that lead wasn’t a complete dead end.

“Tell me something about your brother. Why has he left home so young?”

He saw the elder got paler all of a sudden, and he knew he had stricken the right chord.

Or the wrong one, that depended.

“I... I don’t think it has nothing to do with the investigation, does it?” Yuya asked, his voice off, starting to fidget.

“Maybe, but at least it can give us some hints as to the kind of person Kota is. Everything can be useful to...” Yuri’s monologue got interrupted by the bell.

The detective was annoyed, but he nodded to Yuya, saying he could go to the door.

After a few seconds he heard the door opening, and when he heard Hikaru’s voice greeting him he felt like banging his head on the coffee table.

Hadn't he asked him to stay out?

“Hi, Chinen, forgive me for being late.” the elder said, pretending he hadn't seen him less than fifteen minutes before. “So... is there any news?” he asked then, but he moved his eyes on the other man, who had gone back to his previous position on the armrest.

“I was just asking him something more about his brother. But he doesn’t know where he might me, he says he’s around the country a lot and that he’s not in a given place for more than a few days.” he repeated what he had been told, still staring at Hikaru, waiting for a reaction from him.

And the other detective didn’t prove him wrong.

He didn’t sit, but he got closer to Yuya with an unreadable look on his face, clicking his tongue.

“How is it possible that you don’t know where he is? You’ve seen him two days ago, you’ve talked to him... how come he didn’t tell you what his plans were?” he asked, his voice firm, the same he used when he tried and play bad cop.

“Like I told your colleague here, I have no idea where he is. Kota calls from time to time and we see each other a couple of times a year tops. I called the station, so I have no reason to lie. I don’t know where he is.” he replied, stressing his last words.

Seeing that Yaotome was ready to explode, Chinen stood up in a rush, standing in the narrow space between them.

“Fine, now I think we should leave.” he said, eying his co-worker. “I’ll call back in case we should find something, or if we need new information.” he took a card from his pocket and handed it to the elder. “Or you can call me, if there’s anything you need.” he added, giving him barely time to say goodbye before dragging Hikaru outside the apartment.

When the door closed behind them, the elder burst out.

“Would you mind telling me what’s gotten into you? I was asking him questions, in case you hadn't noticed!” he complained, following him to the elevator.

Yuri turned toward him, his eyes wide open.

“Questions? I was talking to him in perfect peace before you came to rain on my parade, attacking him like that! That’s the exact reason why I asked you to wait downstairs!”

“Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn’t seem like you were getting anywhere. It’s impossible that he doesn’t know where his brother is, I'm sure that putting him through the ringer for a while we would've found out...” he couldn’t finish, that Yuri interrupted him.

“We would've found out what, exactly?” he asked, ironical. “Yaotome, you’re not in your right mind. He’s called the police, he didn’t have any reason to lie. I’ll try to call him again, I’ll try to find out something more, but you won't be here again.” he said, then they both kept silent.

Sitting on the passenger seat, heading back to the station, Chinen looked outside the window, thoughtful.

He didn’t have years and years of experience in the field, he hadn't been doing this long, but he had a certain sense about people.

Yuya wasn’t lying when he had said he didn’t know where his brother was, but there was something he had kept to himself. Yuri had read that in his eyes, there where he had found something weird, wrong.

There where he had found him torn, broken, without understanding why he gave off that feeling.

And he cursed Hikaru, because he really wanted to know what it was.


	4. Oretachi no Seishun (Our youth)

**_04 – Oretachi no Seishun (Our youth)_ **

****

_“I’ve met you and we’ve touched, but my heart isn’t satisfied yet.”_

_[Misetekure – Kanjani8]_

Kota was tired.

They had left Tokyo too quickly, and he still had a lot of questions needing an answer as to what had happened in that hotel room between Yuya and Kei.

The latter had waited for him and Ryosuke in the parking lot and he had just said they had to leave, without giving any more clues than that.

If even the doubt had had time to form in his mind, it hadn't been there long.

What did he have to fear, after all?

Kei would've never betrayed him, he knew that.

He was scared though about what his brother might’ve told him, he was afraid of what was going to happen next, of what Yuya could’ve thought seeing Ryosuke.

The kid was becoming a problem, but they couldn’t get rid of him.

He had told Kei a few times, he had told him what the risks were and he had tried to make him see reason, but the younger didn’t want to hear about that.

Kota didn’t know what he saw in him, but he was a toy Kei wasn’t ready to discard just yet.

The elder knew him well enough that eventually he was going to grow tired of him, and that then he would've felt more at ease.

He hadn't taken into account, though, with his boyfriend’s requests.

They had driven for a short while, too tired to go further, and they had stopped at a motel in the suburbs of Iwaki.

Now Kota stood in front of the bed where Ryosuke laid, staring at him almost disgusted.

Kei, sitting close enough, had taken a few pills out of his bag and had swallowed them one after the other.

 _He’s cute, isn’t he Ko?_ he had said.

He shouldn’t have listened to him.

He shouldn’t have been so weak to his requests, but he couldn’t help it.

It had always been like that, after all.

Kei asked and he executed, because he wanted to see him satisfied, because he wanted to make him happy, because there was something in him always making him say yes, even under the weirdest circumstances.

Like that one.

He had quickly removed his shirt and he had stopped in front of the bed, staring at the kid.

His face was a mask of pure horror, and Kota wondered if that wasn’t exactly what had pushed Kei to ask this of him.

But his boyfriend didn’t seem to mind his discomfort nor that horror.

He stayed on that chair, carefully watching, and from time to time he chuckled for some reason he was the only one to know.

Kota almost hated him when he got high.

He became more irrational than usual and if possible even more persuasive, and he felt with his back against a wall, lead to make things that he wouldn’t have normally dreamed about.

_I wanna watch, Ko._

He undid his belt, letting it fall on the floor.

It was a noise he hated.

_“No, no, please, I’m begging you...”_

He tried to shut up the memories in his mind, but it was impossible. Not like that, not right now.

He stood at the side of the bed, slowly caressing Ryosuke’s face, finding it wet.

It didn’t surprise him.

He always cried too.

_“Don’t be a sissy, Kota.”_

He swallowed, turning to look at Kei as to look for support, as if expecting him to tell him to stop, that it was a joke, that he didn’t really have to do this.

But the younger was still there, with his eyes fixated on them, and Kota knew he wasn’t going to back off.

He never did, after all.

Whenever Kota showed doubt, he acted like fuel to the fire, and he became even more pressing, more insistent, until the elder turned off and annulled himself just to meet his request.

“Come on, Ko... don’t let him wait.” he said, his voice honeyed, and the other heard a muffled noise coming from the id on the bed, but he tried not to mind it.

If he had to do this, he wanted it to be fast.

_“It’s useless, no one’s going to come bother us. We’ve got the whole afternoon..”_

Kota wanted to run, just like he wanted to when he was a kid.

But once again, he didn’t.

He started touching Ryosuke, like a robot, taking his clothes off and fighting against the instinct to cry while he tried not to look at him too much.

He got on the bed, pushing on his legs for him to open then, deaf to his whines and his screams.

He didn’t want to hear them.

He had gotten good at estranging himself when he wanted to.

_“I told you to look at me, stupid kid. I won't go away only because you keep your eyes closed.”_

Kota wanted to cry.

He wanted to cry while he started stretching Ryosuke, slowly, because no matter what Kei desired, he didn’t want to hurt him too bad.

He wanted to cry while he got even closer, aware that he couldn’t get hard, not like this.

He closed his eyes and thought intensely about Kei, about when they had sex, he thought about his face when it was full of arousal, expectation, craving.

He turned to look at him, but nothing had changed.

He was still there; he was taking yet another pill and he wanted to ask him to stop, so that he could’ve stopped as well, but he didn’t have the courage to do it.

It was what he wanted, it was all that mattered.

Slowly, he pushed inside the kid’s body, and this time he could do nothing to keep out his screams, to ignore his crying, his writhing and attempts at struggling.

Fighting wasn’t going to do him any good, they both knew that, but he was going to do it anyway because he wasn’t going to let him do as he pleased with his body, as if he was passively accepting it.

Kota envied him, because as opposed to Ryosuke he had surrendered.

He envied him, and he started hating him.

He could look at him now.

He thrust harder inside of him, and just like he had tried to be as delicate as possible before, now his goal was to actually hurt him, to hurt him because he struggled, to hurt him because he had no idea about what it meant to lead that life and undergo that abuse day after day, after day after day.

He heard a light laughter behind him and he realized that it was what Kei had been waiting for, but he didn’t mind it.

After all, Kei always knew what to expect from him.

He brought a hand around Ryosuke’s throat to muffle his screams, but he didn’t hold tight enough to make him faint.

He wanted him to feel it, to suffer in silence, just like he had done for years.

He tried to hold off as much as he could, and when in the end he couldn’t take anymore he came, thrusting harder inside him, letting go of his throat for him to be free to scream, at the end.

Then he pulled out of him without saying a word, abandoning him on that bed, barely noticing Kei getting closer and hugging him, laughing.

He was happy.

And Kota wouldn’t have forgiven that happiness on anybody else, but there was nothing that Kei could’ve done to lead him to bear a grudge toward him.

He had been the one to save him, after all.

 

_“Kota, come here.”_

_He heard that deep voice slurring a little, and then he knew exactly what to expect._

_By now he didn’t even try and hide, because he knew the man was going to find him._

_He always found him, in the end._

_Kota got close slowly, without asking what was that he wanted. He sat on the bed, letting his legs hang and keeping his eyes on them, trying to ignore him and his satisfied smile, almost happy to have finally managed to tame every form of rebellion with years and perseverance._

_Kota then clenched his teeth hard, until it hurt, and dug his fingernails in the palm of his hands, so deep that he always found them stained in blood._

_But it didn’t matter, that wasn’t the problem._

_He kept laying on that bed, his face against the pillow, hiding._

_He estranged himself from that body while it got used, while he tried to ignore a pain too sharp, and the humiliation of not being able to do anything to make it stop._

_He tried not to cry because he didn’t want Yuya to hear, he tried to hold back the screams of pain and rage toward that man, he tried not to gag smelling the sake in his breath close to his ear, and he heard him pant like an animal and he prayed for it to be over soon, because he wanted to get to the bathroom and take a shower, trying to scratch his skin off and never managing to do that._

_But it never ended soon, it always lasted enough to annul him, to make him feel empty, to make him wish he was dead and leaving him without the will to actually kill himself._

_He kept still for what felt like an eternity, then he limped out of the room, away from that stench burnt into his brain, which haunted him till the following time._

_He walked in front of the kitchen and he saw his mother lower her eyes to avoid meeting his, and then he both felt like hurting her and let her hug him, to cry in her arms, to yell at her to do something, to save him from that routine which was slowly killing because, because she was his mother, because she hadn't brought him into the world for that man to use him like that._

_But every time he kept quiet and walked forward, aware of the fact that even if he had vented his frustration and his rage, nothing was ever going to change._

_The next day he was going to be again in that room, knowing he wasn’t getting out of it, and at night he would've kept going to bed hoping he didn’t have to wake up again._

_He would've kept looking at his brother and nip in the bud that worry about him, because he wanted to protect him from the truth like no one had ever done with him, and because after all he didn’t have the courage to tell a kid that among all the monsters he had been afraid of when he was a child, the one truly terrifying was their own father._

~

 

Yuya sat at a coffee place in front of the police station.

He had been stirring his coffee for over five minutes now, without managing to drink it.

In front of him, Chinen stared at him thoughtfully, quiet, as if waiting for him to talk.

And the elder would've done that, because there were too many things he had kept to himself these past few days, things he would've gladly let out if only he had had the strength to do so, and found someone willing to listen.

He sighed in the end, putting the teaspoon down and finally drinking his coffee.

“Is there anything new, Chinen-san?” he asked to the detective, passively.

Since Chinen and Yaotome had been at his place, almost a week ago, he had gone often to the station, asking for them to tell him something and always hearing that there was nothing new.

He didn’t know what had changed that day, but most likely Chinen had started pitying his manic interest toward the investigation, and he had asked him to grab something to drink together.

Yuya had been floored by the suggestion, but he had accepted anyway.

It was a step forward, and whether being with the younger sat right with him or not, it was a chance he wasn’t going to waste.

“You can call me Yuri.” he replied automatically, blushing a little before going on. “No, we don’t have any particular new. We’ve broadcasted your brother and Ryosuke’s pictures, and we get a few calls from time to time about real or presumed sightings, but...” he sighed, shaking his head. “Until now, it’s been all a dead end after the other.” he said, drinking his tea.

“Chin... Yuri.” the elder corrected himself. “Who’s that boy?” he asked.

He had a pretty decent idea about it.

And he didn’t like it. At all.

He saw Chinen sigh and put his cup down, looking absorbed. He kept quiet for a while, and Yuya understood he was evaluating whether to answer to his question or not, but in the end he apparently chose to do it.

“He’s my partner’s brother.” he said, grimacing. “That’s why he’s been so rude the other day. Not that he’s usually easy to handle, but...” he smiled, but it didn’t last long. “It’s persona. I think that justifies him, somehow.”

Chinen had replied with an information that, as interesting as it was and for how much it justified the detective’s attitude, was far from what he wanted to know.

“And... why is he with my brother?” he asked then, in a whisper, almost as if he didn’t want to be heard, as if he didn’t really want an answer.

“Yuya.” Yuri said then, a dead serious look on his face.” I imagine you’ve heard about the murders there have been lately, right? The gas stations and the conbini?” he started, cautious, trying to look as calm as possible.

But the other couldn’t keep calm at all.

What did that mean?

Murders?

Yuya breathed in deeply. Once, twice, thrice.

He felt the clear hints of a panic attack.

He held tight onto the table, until his knuckles turned white.

Kota would've never done something like that.

Kota... no, he would've never killed anybody. He was always so kind, he was...

Yuya bit his lip, closing his eyes.

“It can't be. My brother... no, it’s the other guy for sure.” he told Chinen, thinking back to that afternoon, about Kei seducing him with no effort, trying in vain to suffocate the shame he felt for himself.

“Yuya, Ryosuke has been abducted when those five people have been killed inside the conbini. And if he is with your brother and Kei...” he left the sentence hanging, leaving him take the hint as to what that information meant.

But Yuya didn’t want to believe it, he couldn’t.

He stood up, leaving the coffee on the table.

“No. Not Kota. He couldn’t do something like that.” he murmured, making as to leave in a rush.

He heard Yuri walk behind him, and a short while later his wrist being grabbed.

He pulled away from that hold, almost as if his hand burned, and the other seemed to be surprised at his reaction.

“I'm... I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to...”he justified himself.

“Don’t worry. I just don’t like being touched.” the elder replied, harshly. “I have to go now. It there’s any news at all...”

“I’ll call you, don’t worry.” Yuri caved, sighing. “Yuya, I know your brother is not a bad person, okay? We’ll try... we’ll try to solve this without anyone getting hurt.” he tried to reassure him.

The other nodded briefly, without looking at him.

And then he left, walking without even knowing where he was going.

Kota was a good man.

Way better than him, he had always known that.

His father always said that too. Since he was a kid, he had kept hearing that Kota was better, that Kota was more willing, that Kota was more obedient, that...

Yuya wanted to cry, and he felt the panic rising, that feeling he was well accustomed to.

He wanted to call his brother and let him calm him down, he wanted to be a child again and snuggle up in his arms, hearing his firm and confident voice telling him everything was going to be okay.

But that time was gone, and Yuya didn’t have any certainties anymore.

_Without anyone getting hurt._

Kota wasn’t going to get hurt.

Kota was strong.

 

~

 

_The door opened._

_And the kid knew he should at least try to hide, but he didn’t._

_Because by now he’d given up, because he knew nothing was going to change, and that if he were to try and hide his mother would have been even more convinced that her crazy thoughts were real._

_She got inside the room, a man following her._

_He didn’t like him._

_He was a priest, he recognized him. He had seen many of them since he was a child._

_“Are you Kei?” he asked, and the kid nodded._

_“Father, is there something you can do?” the woman asked, anxious, clinging onto the man’s arm as if he was a lifeline._

_And Kei knew what’s going to happen, because it had already happened a hundred times before._

_It’s going to hurt. Then his mother was going to calm down, for a few days._

_And then her mind was going to see something in her son’s eyes, and everything’s going to start all over again._

_The priest asked him to take his clothes off and looked at him._

_He saw the scars, the cuts, the burns, the scalds covering the good part of his back._

_Then he asked the woman what had been done until now to eradicate the evil from that body, and she started naming all the tortures he had had to endure, and she says she’s tired, that she can’t take it anymore, that she should’ve never had him._

_She cried, that happened too from time to time, and she said he was not her son, that he was the son of the Devil, and that the Devil was now inside of him._

_Kei sighed and kept quiet._

_He had given up trying to explain there’s nothing wrong with him, that the woman was just crazy; he knew no one was going to listen._

_He had told his teachers, his friends, his neighbours, and then whenever someone’s tried to do something they had moved, because his mother was sure he had been the one to infect those people, that he had made them evil, because Evil was inside of him._

_In the end, she hadn't let him go to school anymore._

_She kept him inside the house, giving him little to nothing to eat and spending the whole day reading the Bible to him, waiting for something to change._

_Kei wished he could’ve asked her what she was expecting of him and then pretend for that to happen, but after all he knew that his mother was never going to be satisfied, that she would've kept trying to see him as pure evil, that she would've kept trying to eradicate from him something that had never existed._

_And she always tried, and he bore the marks of it._

_Every night she made him sit in the bathtub, she let the hot water run and she scrubbed him with the rough side of the sponge, until the water got coloured in the red of his blood._

_Every night she hit him, using always new ways to hurt him, trying to render that body an unusable shell for the Devil that, in her opinion, lived inside of him._

_And Kei had stopped getting surprised or scared about what happened to him, because he knew it was never going to end._

_So he didn’t react when the priest started throwing holy water at him, reading the Bible, putting a rosary around his neck and pulling hard, choking him._

_He didn’t have more imagination than the others._

_Kei was good at resisting this kind of weak attacks by now._

_He stayed inside that room for hours, while his mother prayed for him and his soul, and he wished he could tell her that he didn’t have one anymore, that it had been brutalized, mutilated, broken to pieces._

_The he wasn’t a devil, until she had made one out of him._

_But Kei kept quiet._

_He kept quiet, while the fuel of his silence acted on the fire of his mother’s madness, because his words would've been unheard, because nothing he could say would ever change anything._

_He kept quiet and he waited for that to pass too._

_And he wished that there was actually something able to purify him, but he hadn’t believed in miracles for years, now._

Kei got out of the shower, grimacing when he looked at himself in the mirror.

The scars on his back were never going to go away, and even though he had made peace with that, he still couldn’t help feeling disgusted whenever he saw them.

When Kota looked at them, his face was always sad.

Kei had never told him in details what had caused them, but the elder didn’t seem to need any explanation.

There were nights where they laid into bed and the elder brushed his hands all over his body, tracing the scars’ outlines, kissing them, as if he hoped to see them going away like that.

And Kei wished he could’ve felt the tenderness of his gestures, but years of pain had made him immune to kindness.

His mother loved him too. She loved him too much, and that love had been on the verge of killing him more than once.

To the point that Kei had become hostile to affection, to the point that he didn’t recognize it anymore.

He sighed and stopped looking at his own reflection, wearing his clothes and covering that skin broken to pieces.

He went back inside the room, finding Kota sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the TV, a wrinkle on his forehead.

“What’s happening?” he asked, looking at Ryosuke who watched with the same interest.

Kota shushed him, and Kei decided to look as well.

When he read the title from the news, he frowned.

It was about them.

About last week murders, about the previous ones.

Inoo wasn’t surprised that they had finally made the connection.

He got a little more worried though when the journalist got close to a detective, asking about how the investigation was going.

When the man’s name appeared on the screen, Kei smiled.

He got to Ryosuke’s bed, grabbing his hair and pointing at the TV.

“Who’s that?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

Kota, once realized they didn’t know much about them, turned it off and reached the other two.

“He’s got your last name, kid.” he said then, breathing in deeply. 

Ryosuke swallowed, biting his lip and apparently looking for a plausible excuse, which he couldn’t find.

“He’s my brother.” he murmured, that feeble and servile voice he had been using since Kei had forced Kota to rape him.

Inoo got back up, smiling more openly.

He walked to the desk, grabbing Kota’s cell phone and throwing it at the younger.

“Dial his number.” he ordered, while the other two looked at him, puzzled.

“What... no, my brother doesn’t...” he tried to protest, breathing quickly.

“Do it!”

Kota stood aside, most likely determined not to interfere with such a direct order.

Ryosuke caved, dialling his brother’s number and handing the phone to Kei.

One ring. Two. Three.

When he heard him pick up Kei licked his lips, absorbed, like a hunter waiting to attack his prey.

“Yaotome-san?” he asked, sugared.

“ _Who’s there?_ ” he heard the voice at the other end of the phone, suspicious like he would’ve expected a cop to be.

“Say hello to your little brother, Yaotome.” he said then, chuckling low while he pressed the phone at Ryosuke’s ear.

“Hikka? Hikka, don’t worry, I'm fine, I...” the younger said as fast as could, but Kei didn’t let him go on.

“ _Ryo! Ryo?!_ ”

“Heard that? Your little brother’s fine. Well...” he brushed a finger down the younger’s chest, letting the detective hear his muffled groan. “I’d say he’s more than fine.” he added, smiling.

“ _Damn son of a bitch... try something on Ryosuke and I swear..._ ”

“It’s been a pleasure, Yaotome-san.” he said, then he hanged up.

He gave Kota the phone, then he went sitting on the armchair, lighting up a cigarette.

“Why did you do that?” Ryosuke asked, crying.

Both him and the elder stared at them, waiting.

And then Kei laughed.

And laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

“Because.” he said, when he had calmed down. “It hurts more to think that you’re alive and that we can do something to you at any given time, doesn’t it, _Ryo_?”

He saw the younger glare at him, but he didn’t mind in the slightest.

He was happy.

He grabbed his pills, swallowing a couple of them, despite the fact that he didn’t feel like he needed them too much.

Yaotome’s voice was still in his head, the sound of his pain for his brother.

And other people’s pain, was the best drug he knew.

 


	5. Negai (Wish)

**_05 – Negai (Wish)_ **

****

_“Your tears will never be spilled in vain.”_

_[Beat Line – Hey! Say! JUMP]_

Hikaru wished he was somewhere else.

He wished he could’ve stayed at the station, to help with the investigation, but Yuri had ordered him to get out.

Neither of them could take that anymore, and as much as he understood the younger’s reasons, he couldn’t help acting a certain way.

He kept thinking about the phone call.

He hadn't liked that voice.

He hadn't understood straight away the meaning of calling him, he had had to think about it for a while before realizing why.

He wanted to scare him.

And, even though Hikaru didn’t want to give him that satisfaction, he had to admit he had reached his goal.

He kept thinking about his brother’s voice and the elder’s, most likely Kei, and he told himself that he shouldn’t have panicked, that at least Ryo was alive, that he was okay, that...

How long was that going to last?

From what little they had managed to find out about Kota, and the nothing they had on Kei, Hikaru couldn’t let himself believe they weren’t going to hurt him.

That was why he had crushed every doubt he had, and he was now in front of Yuya’s door.

When the other had opened it he had seen a shadow on his face, almost fear of him, and he couldn’t really blame him.

Chinen had upheld the elder’s cause for hours before convincing him he actually didn’t know anything about his brother.

Now Hikaru was there to end what he had failed the first time; if he couldn’t find out where they were, he at least wanted to understand how Kota’s brain worked.

And he was aware that the task was better suited for Yuri, but it still was something he felt he had to do on his own. He wanted to gain back his partner’s trust and Yuya, no matter the cost.

“I told you already I don’t know where they are.” Yuya prevented his question, standing up while the other sat on the couch.

He was defensive, and Yaotome wanted to undo that diffidence.

“Yes, I know. Don’t worry, we’re working on that.” he told him, eloquently, then he stretched a smile. “But the other day Chinen’s asked you about your brother’s past, right? What... what can you tell me about that?” he asked, direct and determined to avoid beating around the bush.

And from Yuya’s expression he realized it was probably the worst question he could’ve asked; the man sat down now, his doubt winning the fear he felt of Hikaru.

He fell back against the couch, thinking, bringing his hand to his mouth and torturing his lips with his fingernails.

Hikaru sighed silently, trying another approach.

“When has Kota left home?”

Maybe, he thought, he would've answered better to a single question. And he was right.

“He was eighteen. I remember it, one day he took his stuff and he told me not to worry, that he was going to be okay and that he would've called. But he never told me where he was going.”

Hikaru nodded.

He wanted to take down a few notes, but he decided it was better to keep what the other was saying in mind; it was better to let this look like a conversation and not a questioning, to avoid making him more nervous.

“Why did he leave?” more silence, this time longer, as if Yuya was trying to accurately choose the words to use.

“He didn’t... get along well with our father.” he murmured in the end and Yaotome understood that if it wasn’t a plain lie, at least part of it was.

“Hum. Why? Something particular?”

He saw Yuya breathe faster and faster and he clenched his lips, wondering whether his move had been the right one.

The elder had clawed the cushions as if he wanted to tear them apart, and he seemed about to have a panic attack.

“Calm down, please, I...” Yaotome sighed, leaning toward him. “I understand. I understand the instinct of wanting to protect a brother, I understand what it means not knowing if you’re doing the right thing or not. But Kota’s gotten into something bigger than him, and he’s dragged along _my_ brother. If you help me, we can do something for both of them.” he told him, in a rush. “Believe me, Yuya. It’s necessary.” he murmured then, and kept looking at him, without missing one of the expressions on his face, smiling when he saw him calm down.

“I'm... I'm sorry. About your brother, I mean.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s been casual, it could’ve...” he sighed, low. “It could’ve been anyone. Now what’s important is to find him.” he got up quickly, sitting next to him on the couch. “Yuya… why did your brother leave home?” he repeated.

The elder kept his eyes on the floor, and after a while he started talking again.

“A few things I don’t really remember, because I was too young. Others have come back, but then I didn’t really understand what was going on.” he started, confusedly. Hikaru didn’t ask him to be clearer, sure that the other just needed time. “I heard dad call Kota. Different times, different days. More often when he couldn’t find a job. Almost always when he was drunk, but...” he smiled, sadly. “It was also pretty rare for him to be sober.” he bit his lip and went on. “Kota always went to him, and I thought he looked weird, but every time I tried to ask he said I didn’t have to worry about anything. That... that nothing was going to happen to me.” Hikaru saw his eyes water, and he was also starting to understand why. But he wasn’t going to dare interrupting him, not right now. “So I didn’t care. And now I hate myself for it, because perhaps I could’ve done something, perhaps if... if he had told me before...” he stopped, fidgeting. He closed his eyes briefly, then he started again, his voice calmer. “When he left home I believed the excuse that they didn’t get along. Which was true, because they fought all the time. It’s just that... I should’ve realized he wouldn’t have left only because of that.” he smiled again, sadder than before. “But it didn’t take me long to understand. My father... well, he probably missed Kota’s presence. One day I heard him call me just like he called him, with the same eyes and the same look of haughtiness. And he... he...”

Hikaru put a hand on his leg, shaking his head.

“That’s alright.” he murmured, low. 

He tried not to look him in the eyes, pretending he didn’t notice his tears, but he knew there wasn’t much more he could do for him.

Now he understood. He understood why he kept so much to himself, he understood that shy attitude and the panic attacks.

He could barely imagine what that man had done to him and, despite everything, he couldn’t be surprised anymore by what his brother had become.

He had seen many, too many, try to vent their pain on other people’s skin. Enough to know it was never useful.

“Did you and Kota ever... talk about it?” he asked after a few moments of silence, more to say something than because he really wanted to know.

The elder shook his head, quickly drying up his eyes.

“No. I never told him what’s happened after he left. I didn’t want him to feel guilty, I guess.” he replied, licking his lower lip and then averting his eyes, uncomfortable.

Hikaru knew that there wasn’t much more he could tell him.

On the contrary, he had just revealed more than he would've expected.

He stood up, sighing and trying to smile.

“I have to go now. If there’s anything else you need...” he rummaged through his pockets, taking out a card and handing it to him, Yuya know standing to see him out.

All he did was nod.

Getting out on the landing, Yaotome wished he could’ve told him something, anything.

But he realized that nothing was going to help, that he had surrendered under the weight of his past, and that nothing he could’ve said or done would've changed anything.

Once outside the building instead, he started to think about the implications of what Yuya had just told him.

His anxiety for Ryosuke hadn't diminished, not at all.

He took his phone, nervously dialling Yuri’s number.

“Chinen? It’s me. Can we meet somewhere? We need to talk...”

Yuri was not going to be happy about the news. At all.

 

~

 

_Kei hadn't seen him there for a long time._

_But he remembered him perfectly, perhaps for the look on his face, perhaps for his eyes, so damn similar to his own._

_He talked with the same social worker in charge of his family, Takeuchi-san._

_Kei had never liked her, and by the look in the other boy’s eyes he couldn’t tell he wasn’t a fan either._

_She always talked a lot, she always said she was at disposal, but during the past few months Inoo had realized that she never did something concrete._

_She had talked to his mother for a long time, and the woman had just needed to play a part a little to convince her of the fact that everything was fine, that her son was just clumsy, that it was an accident if he was always hurt._

_And Takeuchi-san then pretended to be a shrink and treated him like he was the problem, as if his imagination ran a little too wild._

_Kei had learnt to hate her._

_As soon as he saw the boy – Kota, he seemed to understand that was his name - get out of the woman’s office, he stood up and got closer._

_“It’s pointless, isn’t it?” he asked, with a sarcastic smile._

_Kota shrugged, biting his lip._

_“Yeah. But it’s still better to be here rather than home, even though in the end they never do something for me.” he replied, shifting his weight, as if he was undecided between leaving and waiting for him to reply._

_Kei wanted to ask why he was there, but he changed his mind right after; he wouldn’t have answered that question himself, so he didn’t deem fair to ask him._

_“Want to go grab a coffee?” he asked then, looking innocent, almost getting surprised when the other accepted._

_It started like that, with that mild interest Kei had for the elder, an interest which had soon become an obsession, because in him he saw some sort of a lifeline, someone who could’ve helped him, someone who could’ve torn him away from that everyday life of horrors he was forced to bear._

_Kei had never openly said anything about his mother to anybody in a while, because in time he had learnt to be ashamed of it, and because he knew that no one was going to understand what it meant to feel betrayed by the same person who had brought him into the world._

_Kota was different. Kota knew that feeling all too well, Kota could truly understand him._

_He was a kid sacrificed to the madness of a parent, just like him._

_He hadn't been a kid in a long time, and just like him perhaps he had never truly been one._

_He hadn't felt ashamed talking to him, and that was the first thing which had attracted him._

_They had told their stories, they had soothed each other somehow, and getting back home was always less painful when they knew they were going to see each other the next day._

_So it started._

_And when one day, months after their first meeting, Kei asked him to run away with him, he would've expected the other to accept a little more easily._

_“I... there’s Yuya home. How can I leave him alone?”_

_Hearing that had made Inoo angry._

_He didn’t like to hear him talk about his brother; it reminded him that he, instead, had no one to leave behind._

_“What does it matter, Kota? Why do you have to keep bearing this hell for him, who doesn’t even know what you’re going through every day? He’s going to be fine even without you. You can't stay there, don’t you see that?”_

_Kota had hesitated again._

_Kei had kissed him then, long and deep, letting the elder touch him and hold him, letting him brush his fingertips on his scars, looking at them, testing their smooth and defined texture._

_“Take me away from there, Ko.” he had murmured then, his eyes damp._

_And it had been then that the other had caved, that Inoo had won._

_He had proved to himself that there was someone who loved him more than anything else, someone willing to sacrifice everything for him._

_So much that he had seen him as his first drug._

_~_

_“Ko, I have to do this... think about what she’s done to me, think about how much I’ve suffered. It’s necessary. It’s all I've been dreaming about since I was a kid, and now I have the chance. Please.”_

_“I'm... I'm sure there’s another way, Kei. After all, you haven’t seen her in over a year, and I'm sure that in a while you won't even think about it anymore, and...”_

_The younger had screamed, taking his shirt off, turning around, letting him have a good view of his back._

_He had kept still for a moment, then he had put his shirt back on and had looked at him, dead serious._

_“Will you forget, Ko?” he had murmured, between tears. “Will you ever forget what he’s done to you? Because I can't.” he had said._

_Kota had bit his lower lip, frowning._

_“Fine, Kei. If it’s going to make you feel finally okay, I'm going to help you.”_

_Inoo had smiled to him, and had hugged him._

_The warmth of those hands on him and the thought that those hands were soon going to kill his nightmares, made him feel good as he hadn't in years._

_It had arrived the moment where the sacrificed, abandoned, torn kids would've started paying back the evil that had been done to them._


	6. Endless Dream

**_06 – Endless Dream_ **

****

_“Please, tell me how to cure this pain without shedding a tear.”_

_[N.M.P. – KAT-TUN]_

By now, Yuri had seen the elder often enough to have learnt to read the look on his face.

And the one he had on now, he deemed, was of fear and nervousness, the one he had seen on him most of the times.

He wasn’t glad of being there.

He was glad to see Yuya, he didn’t deny that to himself, less of the role he had.

Since Hikaru had told him about the brothers’ past a week had gone by, and for a week Chinen had pretended to be busy whenever the other man walked into the station.

It was coward of him, and he realized that, but he couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t look at him knowing what he had had to go through, finally knowing why he acted like this.

And now that he was forced to meet him, Yuri had no idea of what he was going to tell him.

When Yaotome had told him everything, he had started sweeping through the social workers’ offices.

It was ten years ago, and it hadn't been easy.

In the end, a woman close to retirement had been able to tell them something about Kota and, with some pressure, also about Kei.

Now they had a last name, and a not less unpleasant story.

The woman had told them that Kei seemed to have a persecution complex, and he pointed at his mother as a religious fanatic convinced that the Devil lived inside him but, to hear her, those were all creations of the mind of a kid with too wild an imagination.

When Chinen and Hikaru had decided to verify that theory in person, they had realized that, were those fantasies or not, Kei’s hatred for his mother was more than real.

The woman had died almost nine years before, that’s what the only relatives they had managed to track down had told them.

A home invasion, they had added.

And not Yuri nor Hikaru had bought that.

Now Chinen was at Yuya’s place to warn him, to ask where his father was, because they could only imagine what the stress Kota was going through these past few days was going to lead to.

They had called again, they had let Yaotome hear his brother’s voice again.

Yuri had felt sorry for him, but he hadn't been able to do anything to make him feel better.

He could just keep doing his job as best as he could, and that had led him to Yuya’s place that afternoon.

“Did... did your partner tell you about the other day?” the elder asked all of a sudden, crouched on the couch, his knees pressed against his chest.

The other wished he could’ve lied to him, and tell him he didn’t know anything.

But in the end, he nodded.

“Yes. Yuya, I...”

“Don’t say anything.” the elder interrupted him, forcing a smile. “I told him because he asked about Kota’s past, not because I wanted any pity. I...” he sighed, closing his eyes briefly. “I've learnt to live with it, somehow.”

Yuri felt a sharp pain in his chest at those words, and he wanted to reply that it couldn’t be true, that no one ever learnt to live with something like that.

But, again, he didn’t dare.

So he started telling him about the latest news about the case, briefly hinting at what they had learnt about Kei and his mother.

He saw Yuya open his eyes wider and wider, then become more thoughtful.

“Yes, I remember something like that. About this woman coming to our house and asking questions to my father and my mother. She barely spoke to me, she preferred talking to Kota, and from time to time she brought him to her office.” he explained, absorbed, as if he was trying to bring his mind back to that time.

Chinen sucked in his lips, sighing.

“Yuya... we need to know your father’s whereabouts.” he said then, without beating around the bush any further.

The elder went pale.

He collapsed against the couch, staring at a blank spot in front of him.

So Yuri stood up in front of him, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking into his eyes.

“I know it’s not easy, Yuya. I know you don’t want to think about it, that what he’s done to you is the worst thing one could ever imagine. But you have to help us do something, because I know that you don’t want your brother to get into more troubles than he’s already in, I know that...”

Yuya shook his head, interrupting his speech.

“I...” he murmured, frowning. “I don’t know where he is.” he answered, then he raised his eyes on the detective. “I'm sorry.” he added.

And perhaps it was that surrendered voice, or the innocent look on his face which made Yuri break.

He leant further toward him, pressing his lips on the elder’s.

Yuya seemed surprised by that sudden kiss, but he didn’t pull away.

He let Yuri kiss him for a while, then he shyly brought his hands to his hips and it was Chinen who took the initiative and straddled him, bringing his hands behind his neck and kissing him harder.

He had been wanting to do this since he had first seen him.

He didn’t exactly know what it was, he just knew he wanted to touch him and let Yuya touch him, to feel that body close to his own. Perhaps, to erase the tense look from his face.

He quickly took his t-shirt off and did the same with his own shirt, aware that he couldn’t count too much on the elder to take any initiative.

He smiled to him, for a split second, then he kissed him again.

He went down to his neck and then to his chest, slipping off his legs and moving to his navel, freeing him from his pants and boxers and slowly licking the tip of his cock, while his hands kept wandering through every inch of skin they could find.

Then he raised his eyes on him again, as to ask for confirmation, and he just needed to see his expression to know he was okay with this.

He wrapped his mouth around him, stroking him with his tongue and sucking slowly, holding himself up on his legs, digging his fingernails there when he felt him push inside his mouth, almost risking to choke him.

He tightened his lips around the base and then he let the other dictate the pace, a hand through his hair to guide his head as he pleased, just because Yuri was letting him.

Before he could come Yuya let him go, and so Chinen took off what pieces of clothing he still had on and went back on top of him, feeling his cock against himself and moaning low, earning a smile from him.

He felt the elder’s fingers brush his rim, then he let one slip inside; Yuri bit his lip, abandoning his head against Yuya’s shoulder while the man went on opening him accurately, the fingers growing in number and speed, making him feel soon overwhelmed by the need of having more.

It was then that the elder swiftly swapped his fingers with his cock, a thrust hard and dry which made Yuri roll his head back, screaming.

“I'm... I'm sorry, did I...?” Yuya asked, hesitating, looking worried.

But Yuri shook his head and gestured for him to move, pushing himself against his body, unable to stop once he got started, trying to feel more of that wet and warm skin against his own, clawing his shoulders and pressing their foreheads together.

Yuya kept thrusting inside restlessly, almost brutally, as if he wanted to vent all the piled up tension, and Yuri was okay with that.

He needed that brutality as well, and to feel the other melt as he went on, as he pulled almost all the way out of him and then sunk his cock back in with hard, aimed thrusts, making him feel soon on the edge.

Yuri was about to bring a hand to his own cock, but the elder pushed it away and used his own, wrapping him completely with the warmth of that big, manly palm, controlling its movements until the younger came between their bodies, biting his lips and trying to choke down a moan louder than the others.

Yuya kept moving slowly, out of inertia, giving him time to recover; when Chinen opened his eyes he started thrusting again inside of him, harder, a few more minutes before he found his release as well, spilling inside of him.

He didn’t allow himself the time to catch his breath; he grabbed him from his hips, moving him off of himself and picking the clothes from the floor, quickly wearing them.

“I'm... I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have done something like this, it was inappropriate, I was...” he said, agitated, before Yuri had enough strength to stand up and grab his wrists, stopping him.

“Yuya.” he called him, his voice firm. “Nothing’s happened you have to feel sorry for, right?” he asked, his tone logical, smiling and tiptoeing to bring his arms around his neck, bringing his lips back on his. “On the contrary. To me, it was damn fine.” he murmured, pressing himself harder against him and biting his lip when he felt him hold him back.

They kissed for a long while, and Yuri barely realized he was being delicately pushed toward the bedroom.

He let Yuya take him again and again, giving himself completely to the elder just like he did with him; he abandoned himself to that touch, which was less and less hesitating, enjoying his now confident expression as they went on.

When then, by mutual agreement, tiredness stopped them, they kept lying in bed, wrapped in light sheets, Chinen leaning his head against the other’s chest, sighing out of satisfaction.

“Are you still sorry?” he asked in an amused whisper, while he softly brushed his leg.

Yuya laughed, grabbing his hand and holding it, wrapping his own around it.

“No.” he murmured. “I'm glad.” he added then, blushing heavily.

He sat up straight, trying to look more put together and clearing his throat.

“I'm... I'm sorry I can't help you, anyway.” he said, in an awkward attempt at changing the subject.

Chinen laughed, getting closer and pressing his face against his arm.

“It doesn’t matter, it’s not your fault.” he reassured him, then he sighed. “It’s been a long time since you’ve lost contact with your father?” he asked then, aware that ignoring what he knew wasn’t going to let them get too far.

Yuya kept quiet, his eyes lost into the room.

Yuri knew it was most likely the last thing he wanted to talk about, but he couldn’t help feeling... curious, somehow.

He liked Yuya, he felt a sincere interest in him, and he wanted to know what had led him to react like this to the abuse he had been put through, what made him so different from his brother.

He wished he could’ve torn that veil of melancholy off of his eyes, but he knew he couldn’t.

“I left home when I turned twenty-one, and I came to live here. But... I've kept going back there, from time to time.” he closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again Yuri thought he was about to cry. “I don’t know why I did that. It was always the same, and I kept being unable to change anything.” he sighed, clenching his fists around the sheets. “When it’s started, I thought he was just a pervert who got turned on by kids. But... he’s not like that. He’s gone on even when I wasn’t a kid anymore, so... I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the idea of keeping me under his thumb, just like he did Kota.” he said, shrugging.

Chinen didn’t say anything.

He wanted to swear he was going to be there for him as long as he needed, that he wanted to stay forever, but he saw in Yuya himself how feeble that promise would've been, how much that forever that he wanted to promise would've been deadly.

He knelt on the mattress behind him, he wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing his forehead against his nape.

He heard him cry quietly, and pretended he didn’t notice.

He stayed like that, motionless, letting him vent his pain.

 

~

 

Ryosuke had almost stopped being scared.

He had stopped being scared when one of them got closer, he had stopped being scared of dying, he had stopped being scared of a lot of things.

He spent his days thinking about Daiki, about all the moments they had spent together, thinking about how much he made him smile, how he managed to make him happy with a minimum effort.

He thought about when they had sex, he thought intensely about that, trying in vain to erase the image of Kota forcing himself on him.

He hadn't even been able to cry. He felt empty.

And from that moment perhaps, he had stopped reacting.

What was the point, after all?

Right at that moment though, he couldn’t allow himself a complete lack of reactions.

They were close to Kyoto, in the suburbs.

That afternoon they had stopped at yet another gas station, and once again the two of them had gotten out of there with something to eat and drink, which included a high count number of alcohol bottles.

And covered in bloodstains, but Ryosuke had tried to ignore that.

Kei had been in a foul mood for a couple of days, and now that light unease seemed to have turned into something way worse.

He sat in front of the TV, hitting his foot on the ground and chewing on his fingernails, nervous.

“Kota... I need something, Ko.” he murmured to the elder, whiny and his eyes frantic.

Ryosuke, who had well assessed the situation, had rushed to close his eyes, as he had gotten used to.

He wanted to try and keep them out of his mind, even though he almost never managed to do that.

“You’ve taken everything?” the other asked, bewildered.

Ryosuke heard Kei groan, and opening his eyes just a little he saw him throw himself on the bed next to his.

“You know I’ve been nervous these past few days. With the police looking for us and this kid getting on my nerves, I... I must have finished all I had without realizing it.”

Kota sighed, sitting next to him and caressing his arm.

“Don’t worry, Kei-chan. I'm sure we’re going to find something.” he murmured, without putting much confidence in his voice.

The younger sat up, now he was smiling, and he threw his arms around Kota’s neck.

They kept quiet for a few minutes, and when Kei spoke again his voice was calmer.

Unreal, Ryosuke would've said. 

“Ko... we have to think about what to do with this police thing. Whatever happens we have to fix that... matter, first.”

Kota held his breath, biting on his lip.

“Kei, we’ve talked about that. We’ve been talking about it for years. It’s... it’s not the right time yet, and we shouldn’t think about it now. For now, let’s just try and get out of this situation, alright?”

Ryosuke opened his eyes in time to see Inoo arch an eyebrow, looking at the other with an expression he wasn’t able to read.

“I couldn’t run, Ko, you won’t wither. It’s something that has to be done.” he murmured, resting a hand on his leg.

The other let go to that touch, holding the other man, slowly caressing his back.

It was then, with his chin on the elder’s shoulder, that Kei moved his eyes on Ryosuke’s finding him watching them.

The kid clenched them immediately.

Ryosuke had stopped being afraid of a lot of things during these days.

Kei’s eyes, weren’t among them.

 

~

 

Yuya stared at the door.

He had been staring at it more minutes, without managing to get inside.

He shouldn’t have been there.

He shouldn’t have lied to Yuri, especially not after what had happened.

And he didn’t even know why he had; from what Yuri had told him about Kei, he understood why they needed to see his father.

Maybe he was ashamed. And he was right to.

He slowly opened the door, getting inside and sighing.

Among those walls his panic always seem to grow to a point where he couldn’t stand it.

A few steps on that dirty and so familiar floor, and he already felt his breath fasten alongside his heart rate.

He found his father in the same spot he had left him last time, almost three weeks before, there where he spent his whole day.

In front of the TV, armed with his remote and his bottle of shochu, with a stinky tank top and a pair of worn out pants.

Yuya felt sick.

The man raised his eyes toward the living room door only when he heard him come inside, grimacing when he saw him.

“What do you want?” he asked, with that slurring that hadn't abandoned him in years.

Yuya bit down on his lip, getting to the only empty chair and sitting on it, without bothering answering to his father; not yet, at least.

He needed to calm down, he really did.

He came back from time to time, and he ignored the reason why.

He just knew he couldn’t keep away from that house, because for a good portion of his life he had been happy there.

He had been happy when his mother had still been alive, and when Kota was with them, even though that thought felt selfish, because he knew that his brother, instead, had never been happy.

Or perhaps he came back only because that man still had him on a leash, because he hadn't managed to free himself; because he had never found someone to take him away from there, and he wasn’t brave enough to do that on his own.

He would've had the physical strength to fight him off; his father wasn’t old, but as strong as he could be, whatever energy he had was sucked away from the alcohol.

But Yuya had never raised a finger to defend himself.

He let him hit, he let his yell, he let him...

He sighed, again, rubbing his hands hard on his knees and raising his eyes on him.

“The police is looking for Kota, dad.” he murmured then, getting disappointed when he saw the man’s expression hadn't even shifted.

“Well, when ten years ago I asked them to look for him, they told me he was of age and that he could do as he pleased. What has he done for them to decide to waste their most precious time looking for him?”

“He’s... he’s abducted some kid. And he’s suspected for the murder of a few people.” he whispered, averting his eyes from him.

It hurt to say that out loud, more than he would've thought.

But his father laughed.

So hard that Yuya didn’t think he had ever seen him like that.

“Murdered a few people? The poor, little Kota?” he asked, shaking his head. “Let them look for him, then. I'm sure it won't take them long to find him and...”

Yuya stood up, his eyes darkened.

“The police has investigated, and they think he could come here.” he informed him, his voice more confident now. “He’s with a guy he’s met through the social workers, Inoo Kei, and it looks like his mother has been murdered a year after their escape.” he explained, arching an eyebrow, while any form of amusement disappeared from his father’s face.

“And why should he come looking for me?” he asked, innocently.

And Yuya finally understood.

He understood why he had lied to Yuri, why he hadn't told him he knew exactly where his father was.

He _wanted_ Kota to come here. To kill him, to hurt him like Yuya had never been able to.

And it didn’t matter for him to get blood on his hands; they hadn't been clean in who knew how long, and Yuya believed – as he had always had – that he owed him something for having abandoned him alone in that house.

“Why should he look come looking for you?” he hissed, getting closer. “He should be looking for you to kill you. To make you pay for what you’ve done during the years, all you’ve done to him and me. He should make you pay for mom’s death, for...”

“Your mother’s never raised a finger though, has she?” the man yelled, getting up, proving he was more sober than Yuya had previously thought. “She wasn’t much better than me, am I wrong?”

Yuya felt tears starting to run down his face, and as usual he got ashamed of it.

But he did nothing to stop them, it would've been pointless.

“You can't seriously compare yourself to her. You can't even see what you’ve done to us.” he murmured, his voice and his eyes empty.

His father got even closer and slapped him.

“Why don’t you do something, then? Kill me, since I’ve caused you so much pain. You kill me instead of Kota, because he doesn’t deserve this satisfaction, not after having abandoned you here with me. And then, after having killed me, what will you have left, Yuya? Who would you still have?” he chuckled, bitterly. “You’d be left alone, because it’s what you deserve.” he grabbed his face, smiling. “Because you’ve always been weak, and you’ll never live up to Kota, will you?”

Yuya thought that this would've been a good moment to act.

To grab something heavy and crash it down on his skull, to hurt him, to make him shut up forever.

But, for once, his father was right.

He was weak.

So he kept lifeless while the man stared triumphantly at him, he kept lifeless while he pushed him to the bedroom which had once been Kota’s, while he threw him on the bed and took what had always belonged to him.

Yuya thought about Yuri the whole time, glad to have something different to imagine for once.

But he didn’t dare hoping in that thought.

He was going to be left alone, after all. It was all he deserved, yes.

He was never going to live up to Kota.

 

~

 

It took him a while to go back home.

He walked down the streets leading to his apartment, trying to take the longest way possible, not at all anxious to reach his goal.

A few times he took his phone out of his pocket, dialled Yuri’s number and then he erased it, lacking the courage to make that call.

What could he have possibly done for him?

He didn’t want compassion, he didn’t want understanding, he didn’t...

A hug. Yes, that would've been nice.

Holding him close and feeling held himself, having that pleasant warmth against his skin, managing to feel important for someone, for once.

But he was alone, and he was destined to be because he was weak.

And he had just proven that, for yet another time, and again he bore the marks of that weakness on himself.

He was so damn tired that he felt like collapsing on the sidewalk and stay there, without being forced to get up anymore.

He finally reached his building and, once inside his apartment, he allowed himself to lean for a few moments against the door, before heading to the bathroom.

The image reflected in the mirror stared at him, guilty.

He punched it, hard, cracking the smooth surface and wounding his hand.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t hurt, nothing could possibly hurt more than the pain he already felt. 

He took his clothes off, slowly.

He grabbed his phone again, staring at the display for what felt like forever, but in the end he dialled that number as he had done dozens of time on the road from his father’s home.

“ _Yuya?_ ”

Yuri’s voice sounded sincerely concerned, and his heart almost skipped a beat hearing it.

“Hi, Yuri.” he murmured, allowing himself to smile and looking again in the mirror, finding it deformed by the cracks.

“ _Has something happened?_ ” the younger asked then, while the other sighed, shaking his head before realizing he couldn’t see him.

“No. No, I... I just wanted to hear your voice.”

And it was true. Because he was never going to tell him what had happened that afternoon, because he was never going to confess he had lied to him, because he was too ashamed of both to allow himself the luxury of disclosing them to him.

 _“I wanted to hear your voice too. I would've called later tonight, I wanted to know if you wanted to do something together tomorrow. It’s my day off._ ”

Yuya smiled, thinking about the things they could’ve done.

A road trip, out of town.

Yokohama, maybe, he had always liked Yokohama.

They could walk on the seaside, maybe holding hands, they could eat something at one of the restaurants facing the harbour.

They could go back home and he could’ve taken him again, because he was sure that he was never going to grow tired of feeling that body against his own.

Yes. They could’ve done lots of stuff together.

“Fine, that looks like a plan. See you tomorrow then?”

“ _Okay. I’ll come get you tomorrow around ten._ ” he kept quiet for a moment, and Yuya could almost see him bite his lip, unsure whether to talk or not. “ _Are you sure everything’s fine?_ ”

“Yes, sure. It’s great.” he rushed to answer, without giving him room to insist further. “Yuri?” he called, hesitating.

“ _What?_ ”

“Thank you.”

He heard him laugh low, and again he imagined him.

“ _About what?_ ”

“Everything.” Yuya sighed, closing his eyes. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“ _See you tomorrow, Yuya. Can't wait._ ”

They hanged up, and Yuya abandoned his phone on the sink.

He leant over to let the hot water run in the shower, careful not to look at himself in the mirror anymore.

When he deemed the temperature acceptable he got in, raising his face and letting the scorching hot water slip on him, in the vain attempt at feeling better.

He kept motionless for a little while longer, trying to prevent himself from thinking about anything that wasn’t Yuri.

He thought about how it felt to have him next to him.

He thought that he could’ve been happy with him.

Then his mind started playing tricks on him, and his father’s face overlapped with the detective’s.

His father hitting him, humiliating him, making him feel like the last man on Earth, saying that to him so many times that he had convinced him of that.

He thought about Kota leaving that home, abandoning him to his cage, choosing a life that, no matter how hard he tried, Yuya couldn’t understand.

He thought about his mother looking at him like she looked at Kota, as if waiting for the moment he would've become like him, guilty of not doing anything to stop her husband, always keeping quiet in front of the screaming and the crying of her elder son.

There was nothing left, nothing worth remembering.

Almost instinctively his hands went to the razor on the soap dish.

Almost instinctively, they put it close to his wrist.

Almost instinctively, they cut, hard.

Yuya collapsed on the shower’s floor, leaning his head against the tiles and repeating the same operation on the other arm.

And then he waited.

He tried to think intensely about Yuri, keeping everything else out of his mind.

He wished he could’ve gone on forever, but right now his forever was deadly, and it didn’t  have the value he would've hoped it could’ve had.

He was glad he could die thinking about those brief moments of happiness he had known.

He wished he could’ve seen him one last time, but then he wouldn’t have had the courage to leave anymore.

It was alright like this, after all.

It was still more than he had ever gotten from his life.


	7. Saigo no Love Song (Last love song)

**_07 – Saigo no Love Song (Last love song)_ **

****

_“These words won’t hurt you more than the times we’ve embraced, right?”_

_[Seasons – Akanishi Jin]_

Yuri walked into the station, his stride slow, dragging.

He got close to Yaotome’s desk, while the other arched an eyebrow.

“What are you doing here, Chinen? Wasn’t today your day off?”

“Give me the number.” the younger asked, peremptory, ignoring the elder’s question.

“What number? Chinen... is everything okay?”

The other bit his lip, trying to hold back his tears.

For that day, he had had enough of that.

“Inoo Kei’s number.” he said, trying to keep as calm as he could.

Hikaru seemed to be about to object, but the look in Yuri’s eyes was enough to prevent that. He took his phone, scrolling down the calls until he found the number, reading it to the younger who dialled it on his phone.

“ _Hello?_ ” a hesitating voice answered.

It was deep, tired.

Even though he had never heard it, instinct told Yuri that it was Kota’s and not Kei’s.

It was like Yuya’s, somehow, but he didn’t want to think about that.

“I'm Chinen Yuri, a detective working on your case.” he introduced himself, with a formality close to sarcasm. “Don’t hang up and let me talk for a minute.”

“ _If you’re trying to locate me, I’ll just throw the phone away and I’ll leave for...”_

“I don’t give a damn about locating you.” the younger hissed. “I was calling to give you a piece of advice. You better turn yourself in, you son of a bitch. You better have Ryosuke back where he belongs all in one piece and turn yourself in, to avoid anyone else getting hurt.” he said, his voice firm.

He saw Hikaru open his eyes wide, but he ignored him.

“ _What do you mean ‘I better’? We’ve got the kid, so I’d say we have the upper hand._ ” he answered, without much confidence, and Chinen knew that in the end he wasn’t the one holding the reins.

But he couldn’t care less, not right now.

“Your brother’s killed himself last night, Kota.” he told him then, his voice trembling.

The look on Yaotome’s face got even more bewildered, while Yuri closed his eyes and sighed. “I went to his apartment this morning and I found him in the bathroom, in a pool of his blood. So, yes, you better turn yourself in or as soon as we’re going to catch you, and know that we will, I won't have any problem killing you with my bare hands. Have I been clear?”

He heard only silence on the other side of the line, and a light breathing.

Then, the communication was interrupted.

But he didn’t care about that either, he didn’t want an answer.

He wanted him to know what had happened, and in the most brutal way possible, brutal like the image that had hit him a few hours ago when he had opened the door to Yuya’s bathroom.

Like the brutality of the shock he had felt seeing Yuya dead.

He put the cell phone back in his pocket, he sat at his desk and raised his eyes on Hikaru, who was still staring at him.

“Well? Is there something wrong?”

Yaotome, he was sure, was wondering about the bitterness, the vehemence, but he apparently chose not to ask any question.

Yuri went back to work, and kept his own personal struggle against tears.

He should’ve done something. He shouldn’t have made the list of the people who had left him alone to his destiny.

But he hadn't been worried by that sudden call, he hadn't done a thing and now he...

He sighed, closing his eyes to try and calm down.

He was going to catch Kota, no matter the cost.

Someone was going to have to pay the price for Yuya’s life.

 

~

 

Right after having hanged up, Kota had thrown the phone against the wall, breaking it to pieces.

He had muttered something about Yuya, enough for Kei to understand what had happened, and then he had sat on a chair, brushing his hands thorough his hair, pulling on them.

He cried.

Yuuyan?

Yuya, the one who followed him wherever he went as a kid, so much that more than once Kota had asked him to cut it.

Yuya, the one who always called whenever he didn’t feel good, seeking a comfort in him that no one else could’ve ever given to him.

Yuya. The one he had abandoned, and that now was dead.

Dead, dead, dead.

The detective’s words kept echoing through his head.

The man’s voice was too involved to suspect it was a trap.

He felt Kei put a hand on his shoulder and then kneel in front of him, raising his head to look him in the eyes.

“Ko...” he murmured, low, caressing his knee and pointlessly trying to calm him down.

“He killed himself. He killed himself, do you understand that, Kei?” he said, tears almost preventing him from talking. “It’s my fault. I should’ve listened to him, I shouldn’t have let him leave... I’ve always pretended everything was fine because he said so, but I know he wasn’t okay, I knew that...”

“No, Kota.” the younger interrupted him, his voice firm. He sat up straight on his knees, his eyes still fixated on the elder’s. “It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything. You’ve always tried to be there for him, as you could. You can't blame yourself if you’ve left home; we both know that if you hadn't done that, now you’d be in his place.” he paused to take a deep breath, and Kota thought that lately he had never looked so clear-minded. “You know whose fault this actually is. Now is the time to talk about it, Ko, it’s time to do something.” he told him, persuasive. “Your brother’s dead because of that man. You can't let him live any longer.”

Kota frowned, and stopped crying.

He was right, he knew that.

The fault...

Yes, it was all his father’s fault.

Kota knew that once he would've left home, the man would've had to find a comfortable replacement, and he knew what the only solution was.

He had felt guilty for a while, then he had seen his brother and he had just decided that it was easier to believe in that mask of serenity Yuya put on instead of facing an argument he didn’t even want to think about.

He didn’t want to ask him how he was actually doing, he didn’t want to tell him he knew that situation all too well not to realize he was lying.

He didn’t want to talk about the years he had spent subjected to that, because ignoring them was easier, just like it had been easier to ignore Yuya silently asking for help.

He looked at Kei and nodded.

“Let’s go to Tokyo.” he murmured, then he stood up and headed to the bathroom.

He washed his face a couple of times before he managed to fight the blur his tears had caused.

He was finally going to do something, he was going to have his payback.

He tried to think just about that, forgetting the detective’s words accusing him of something which was out of his hands.

He hadn't been the one to kill his brother.

There was nothing he could’ve done to prevent that.

It wasn’t his fault if Yuya was dead.

 

~

 

They had closed themselves up in that room less than half an hour before.

Kei stared outside the window, worried, keeping Ryosuke in front of himself for protection.

He didn’t know how they had found them; he just knew that the porch in front of Kota’s father’s house had suddenly gotten crowded with police, and that for once he had no idea as to how they were going to make it.

In the meantime, Kota looked oblivious to what was going on around him.

He firmly held his gun, lowered, hitting his fingers over the metal, as if his hand was itching to shoot.

His father sat on the couch in front of him; he had a mocking look on his face while he stared at his son, and Inoo thought that if this hadn't been about Kota, he would've gladly been the one to put a bullet in his brain.

“Yuya had said you were going to come here to kill me.” the man said, chuckling. “And I thought he was being his usual overanxious self! I should’ve given more credit to him.”

Kota got closer, grabbing his collar.

“Yuya.” he hissed, a few inches from his face. “Has killed himself, dad.”

Kei averted his eyes from the window, curious as to what reaction the man was going to have hearing about his son’s death.

Not the one they were expecting, for sure.

“I'm not surprised. He’s never been a strong guy, little Yuuyan.” he smiled, devilishly, raising a hand on Kota’s face. “Nothing like you, right?” he asked, while the other pulled away, the touch of those fingers burning on his skin.

“Get your hands off of me.” he yelled, pointing the gun at him.

“You know.” the man went on, as if he hadn't seen the weapon. “He’s come to see me, Yuuyan. He always did. And he never found the strength to fight it, not once.” he closed his eyes, as if savouring those images. “He’s never been as fun as you, but I have to say it was way easier.” he said, shrugging.

“Shut up!” Kota yelled, his eyes wet. “Don’t you even dare talking about him, you don’t... it’s your fault if he’s killed himself, it’s your fault and of what you’ve done to him all these years!”

“Really? Is it my fault? Aren't you the one who left him here, Kota? Aren't you the one who left on his own, when you could’ve easily brought him along?” he chuckled again. “But you must’ve known, right? You knew that if I had had someone to replace you with, I would've given up looking for you way more easily.”

Kei held his breath at those words, unsure as to how his boyfriend was going to react.

Still holding Ryosuke against himself, he got close to Kota, determined to take the situation into his hands.

“Ko... the house’s surrounded. They know we have the kid, so I don’t think they’re going to break in without trying to negotiate first. But we have to move, we have to try and find a way to leave.” he told him, firm, not sure the other was actually listening.

But Kota nodded, slowly, getting a firmer grip on his gun.

“Yes. I... I know what I have to do. I just...”

“You don’t have the courage to kill me either, Kota? Are you like that sissy of your brother?” his father mocked him, standing up, challenging him.

“Kota, come on! Think about what he’s done to you, think that Yuya’s dead because of him! Think about how he’s abused you for years, just like my mother did with me. Kill him, now, he’s nothing but an animal.” the younger yelled, grabbing his wrist and aiming the weapon at the man’s chest.

Kota was crying, by now.

He cried, and his hand shivered a little.

Kei held his breath, waiting for something to happen.

And then, finally, the circle opened so long ago got closed.

 

~

 

When they heard the shot, there were a few moments of silence.

Hikaru was already running to the door, when Yuri grabbed his waist and stopped him, hurting him, while he nodded toward the living room window.

Ryosuke was still there, Inoo Kei holding him, staring at them with a challenge in his eyes.

“He must’ve shot his father.” Chinen commented, and he couldn’t help but smiling at the thought.

He was glad that animal was dead, and he wasn’t going to hide it.

But that wasn’t the moment to think about it, he had to focus on Ryosuke, on how to get him out of there alive.

That morning they had received a call from Yuya and Kota’s father, who had told them about what his youngest son had told him.

Yuri was glad that one of his co-workers had taken the call, or he knew he wasn’t going to restrain himself from pouring all his hatred on that man.

They had been on alert the whole day, and when they had heard from one of the patrol cars in the area, telling them they had spotted a car looking like Kota’s, they had moved.

And they hadn't been wrong, as the facts showed.

Yuri was about to suggest they called to start negotiating, when he saw a shape getting closer from the end of the road.

When it got closer and he managed to recognize him he opened his eyes wide, pulling on Hikaru’s arm.

“What the hell is Arioka doing here?” he yelled, pointing at the guy with a harsh movement of his hand.

Yaotome looked just as surprised, but then he clenched his eyes, brushing a hand over them.

“I called him this morning and I told him we thought they were headed here. I just wanted to keep him updated, I didn’t think he would've been so stupid as to...”

Chinen swore, making as to get closer to the other, believing he was walking toward them.

But he had severely miscalculated.

“Arioka-san!” he yelled when he saw the other go faster to the point where he was running, heading toward the front door. “Come back, what the hell do you think you’re...” he went on, but as fast as he could run the other had too much of an advantage on him.

“Great, now the hostages are two!” he complained to Hikaru, licking his lower lip. “If something happen, I’ll hold you personally...” he started to say, but the other interrupted him.

“If something happens” he murmured. “I’ll be the first to hold himself personally responsible.”

 

~

 

Kota wasn’t happy about the change of plans.

When the boy had gotten inside the room, he hadn't been ready for it.

He had looked at him, while Kei kept using a now more than recalcitrant Ryosuke as a shield.

“Ryo!” the newcomer shouted.

“Daiki! Daiki, what are you doing here... go away!” he yelled, opening his eyes wide in pure horror, letting his eyes wander between the two other men and the gun his boyfriend now held in his hand.

Kota turned his nose up, while Kei chuckled, apparently amused by the scene in front of him.

“Are you his boyfriend?” he asked, keeping Ryosuke in front of himself. “Well, I have to give it to you, _Ryo-chan_ here isn’t bad at all.” he added, mischievous, brushing the younger’s face.

“What did you do to him, you son of a bitch?” he snarled, walking past Kota and his father’s corpse to get closer to him.

Ryosuke cried while his boyfriend faced Kei, who looked smugger and smugger.

“Nothing he didn’t enjoy, don’t you worry about him.” he answered, his smile wider now.

When Kota saw Daiki raise the gun toward him he did his best to react, but it wasn’t enough.

Apparently underestimating the risk to hit Ryosuke, the other man shot.

There was a second where Kota thought time had stilled.

He saw Kei bring a hand to his stomach, he rushed behind Daiki and took the gun from him, running to his boyfriend, shoving Ryosuke away.

“Ko...” the younger murmured, collapsing on the floor.

He saw a bloodstain spreading on his shirt, and he pressed on the wound.

“Kei... Kei-chan, don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine, I...” he sighed, biting on his lip and raising his eyes on Daiki, ferocious. “What have you done?” he yelled, feeling the tears wetting his face all over again, grabbing his gun and aiming it toward him.

Daiki had frozen, most likely shaken by what had just happened.

He shifted his eyes from Ryosuke, still on the floor after Kota’s shove, to the elder, without knowing what to do.

Kota knelt straight on the floor, letting Kei rest his head on his knees.

When he looked at him again, he wasn’t crying anymore.

He didn’t remember to have ever felt like that.

Not when his father raped him, not when his mother ignored his wounds and his screams, not when the detective had told him his brother was dead.

He saw Kei getting paler, and it was like his heart was slowly stopping alongside the younger’s.

Coldly, he raised his gun and aimed it better toward Daiki.

And when he was ready to open fire, he changed direction and hit Ryosuke straight in the head.

Daiki’s scream was lacerating, but he couldn’t hear it.

Daiki run to his boyfriend’s body, holding him against himself, just like he was doing with Kei.

He didn’t hear him cry, he was deaf to his pain, but he knew that even if he had witnessed it he would've been glad about it.

He tried to pull Kei up, almost cradling him, trying to find the strength to smile to him while he caressed his forehead.

“Kei-chan?”

“Ko...” the younger smiled as well, holding his arm. “We won, Ko.” he murmured, raising his eyes as much as he could on his boyfriend’s father.

Kota nodded slowly, still caressing him.

“It’s over, Kei. It’s alright, it’s... it’s over.” he whispered. “I love you.” he added, his voice broken, leaning down to kiss him, softly, almost afraid he could’ve broken him.

The other didn’t answer, and he felt the kiss tasting of death, and pressed harder against those lips, afraid to feel them becoming cold all of a sudden.

Kei had closed his eyes, and Kota shook him.

Again and again and again.

When he gave up, he screamed.

He screamed and cried and he barely noticed the deaf sound coming from the front door, he barely saw the men getting inside the house.

By the corner of his eye he saw one of the two plainclothes going straight next to Daiki on Ryosuke’s body, while the shorter one aimed his gun on him.

“Kill me.” Kota asked, low, holding Kei’s body harder against himself. “Kill me!” he yelled, when he saw the other hesitate.

He was about to launch himself at him, wanting to force him to shoot, when his partner got up, aimed his gun at him and shot.

Kota didn’t even see it coming.

He could only feel the warmth of Kei’s skin fade alongside his own.


	8. Epilogue - Hakanai Yubisaki (Ephemeral fingertip)

**_Epilogue – Hakanai Yubisaki (Ephemeral fingertips)_ **

****

_“If we were to be born in a different world_

_We’ll meet again like this_

_And like this I’d still love you.”_

 

They walked up the steep climb, dragging their feet.

Yuri kept his eyes low, oblivious to the other two following him, as if they weren’t there, as if they didn’t exist.

He wished he could’ve cried, because now it was the right time to, but he still felt he couldn’t.

When they reached their destination, Yaotome and Arioka stopped a few feet before him.

Chinen kept walking, walking past the marble blocks, name after name he had learnt to recognize.

It had been a months, and he went there every time he could.

He stopped, kneeling in front of the grave with Yuya’s name engraved on it.

He lit up the incense, seeing by the corner of his eyes the other two do the same over Ryosuke’s tomb.

He kept staring at it for a long time, caressing the cold stone and the carved kanji, briefly closing his eyes and imagining the other was still next to him.

It was surprising how much he could miss someone with whom he had so little memories.

He wished he could’ve had more time, he didn’t ask for anything else.

More time to love him and be loved, more time for the elder to tell him everything about himself, more time for them to know each other, to learn each other.

More time so that he shouldn’t have been afraid of forgetting the feeling of his skin against his own.

He kept still for a while longer, his mind empty, staring at that grave and that name.

Then, hesitating, he moved on the right and lit up more incense.

He did that, from time to time.

He lit up incense on Kota’s grave, and not because he pitied his death, but because somehow he had been a victim as well, and because he knew that if he had still been alive, Yuya would've done that.

It was like he was doing him a favour, so he did that willingly.

He hadn't forgiven him, he was never going to. He didn’t try to understand what had pushed him to become the man he was, he didn’t want to; yet he went there, he lit up the incense and he still felt grateful, because the man’s torment had finally met its end.

He stood up and made as to reach Hikaru and Daiki, when his eyes were caught, as it often happened, by an anonymous tombstone a few feet further.

He sighed, his sadness completely unjustified.

As usual, there was no one in front of the grave of Inoo Kei.


End file.
